Restaurant Reviewer In Jest T-Shirts

". . . The chef looks like he could spit on my food."

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

"The chef is going to need more than just your ‘compliments’ tonight … he’s in one of his moods."

"And which regional cuisine would you be interested in this evening—Northwester, Southwestern, Southeastern, or Northeastern?"

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

"War is hell and so is this soup."

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"Something's wrong with the broccoli. Please take it back to the kitchen and have it genetically modified."

"How fresh is the calamari?"

Your lobster was off!

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

'It's my favorite.'

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

'Wine, high octane grape juice.'

"The soup of the day is pineapple with a hint of rum."

"What do you suggest...the tuna fish or the peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich?"

'Strong curry for two and a fire-extinguisher.'

'Six different chefs in six months and they still can't make a decent broth!'

"For dessert, absolutely no flambé!"

"Your meal sounded nice."

"Darling, you never let me see the side of you that pays."

"We'll start with the appetizer, move on to the entree, and then finish up with dessert."

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"The prices they charge here, you'd expect them to have an oven not just a gas ring!"

"I think we'll pass up the Château Mouton-Rothschild '34."

"The food was o.k., but the atmosphere was terrible."

"Can I interest you in a great white?"

'The braised toucan was fine...although I found the bill a little large.'