Restaurant Critic Humorist T-Shirts

'That can't be a fly, I used them all in the meatloaf.'

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

"And which regional cuisine would you be interested in this evening—Northwester, Southwestern, Southeastern, or Northeastern?"

"War is hell and so is this soup."

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"How fresh is the calamari?"

Your lobster was off!

"Your soup is delicious. The broth perfectly compliments the font."

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

'It's my favorite.'

"The soup of the day is pineapple with a hint of rum."

'Wine, high octane grape juice.'

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

'Strong curry for two and a fire-extinguisher.'

"For dessert, absolutely no flambé!"

"Your meal sounded nice."

"Bottled, tap or toilet water?"

"We'll start with the appetizer, move on to the entree, and then finish up with dessert."

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"The prices they charge here, you'd expect them to have an oven not just a gas ring!"

"I think we'll pass up the Château Mouton-Rothschild '34."

Tuna Salad, Meat Loaf, Cheese Omelet and Bean Soup

Seafood: "Of course our food is fresh."

"Perhaps you wouln't have declared so many places 'worth a detour' if you'd held the map right way up!"

"I can't hurry when ordering. There's a lot of ecological geopolitics involved here."

"Can I interest you in a great white?"

"This deserves an Instagram photo. Would you mind taking a picture of someone washing the dishes when I'm done?"

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

Pick Your Own Baby Lamb Chop

'The braised toucan was fine...although I found the bill a little large.'