Restaurant Comedy Critic T-Shirts

Sound horn for service.

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

"And which regional cuisine would you be interested in this evening—Northwester, Southwestern, Southeastern, or Northeastern?"

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"War is hell and so is this soup."

"Your soup is delicious. The broth perfectly compliments the font."

Your lobster was off!

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

"How fresh is the calamari?"

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

'Wine, high octane grape juice.'

"The soup of the day is pineapple with a hint of rum."

'It's my favorite.'

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

'Strong curry for two and a fire-extinguisher.'

"Your meal sounded nice."

"For dessert, absolutely no flambé!"

"We'll start with the appetizer, move on to the entree, and then finish up with dessert."

"Bottled, tap or toilet water?"

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"The prices they charge here, you'd expect them to have an oven not just a gas ring!"

"I think we'll pass up the Château Mouton-Rothschild '34."

'I really don't know why we bother coming here - the food's always crap.'

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

"Perhaps you wouln't have declared so many places 'worth a detour' if you'd held the map right way up!"

"This deserves an Instagram photo. Would you mind taking a picture of someone washing the dishes when I'm done?"

Pick Your Own Baby Lamb Chop

"And how would you like your steak?"

'The braised toucan was fine...although I found the bill a little large.'

"I can't hurry when ordering. There's a lot of ecological geopolitics involved here."

"Can I interest you in a great white?"

Tuna Salad, Meat Loaf, Cheese Omelet and Bean Soup

Seafood: "Of course our food is fresh."