Restaurant Reviewer In Jest Prints

". . . The chef looks like he could spit on my food."

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

"And which regional cuisine would you be interested in this evening—Northwester, Southwestern, Southeastern, or Northeastern?"

"The chef is going to need more than just your ‘compliments’ tonight … he’s in one of his moods."

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"War is hell and so is this soup."

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

"Something's wrong with the broccoli. Please take it back to the kitchen and have it genetically modified."

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

Your lobster was off!

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

"How fresh is the calamari?"

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

'Wine, high octane grape juice.'

'It's my favorite.'

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

"The soup of the day is pineapple with a hint of rum."

"What do you suggest...the tuna fish or the peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich?"

'Strong curry for two and a fire-extinguisher.'

'Six different chefs in six months and they still can't make a decent broth!'

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"We'll start with the appetizer, move on to the entree, and then finish up with dessert."

"Darling, you never let me see the side of you that pays."

"Your meal sounded nice."

"For dessert, absolutely no flambé!"

"The prices they charge here, you'd expect them to have an oven not just a gas ring!"

Newark by Night. A new Dutch restaurant just opened. What do you know about Dutch cuisine? Nothing. But I'm a big fan of the "Dutch Treat" concept.

"I think we'll pass up the Château Mouton-Rothschild '34."

"The food was o.k., but the atmosphere was terrible."

'I really don't know why we bother coming here - the food's always crap.'

'The braised toucan was fine...although I found the bill a little large.'