Restaurant Rascal Gifts

"You'll never eat all that. Your problem is your eyes are bigger than your stomach."

"It's new. It's called a pre-tip. You pay me now and I'll actually bring your food before it's cold!"

Microwave - 'Table 19 sends compliments to the chef!'

(When I'm good I'm very very good, but when I'm bad I'm... Well….) (Horrid?)

"Two burgers, two fries, two martinis—and we'll have those to go."

'This model is hard to get parts for.'

"I don't care if you saw this in a western..."

' ... and this is the half bath.'

Is this what they call inherent safety?

As a reformed gunfight, Big Jake vowed never again to use an iron

'Barry I think it's time you had your eyes checked!'

Martin hated dining alone – but loved the savings.

Home Maintenance - Decorating.

'A listener from Ridgeway asks, 'When visiting a friend, is it improper to drink out of the toilet unless asked first?' Good question...'

'Break a leg.' - 'Thanks a lot.'

'You kids get out of this park right now and go play in traffic!!!'

'Could you hurry up on that order for table five? -- they're holding the maitre d' hostage.'

Congestion Eases Inexplicably

"You do realize this may affect my review of you on Yelp?"

'Mind giving him his bath now- he'll be asleep when we get home!'

'... and the house prices are still going up.'

'Hey! Who left the television off?'

No child onboard. Don't drive carefully.

'I'm afraid your 'giggle-pin's' gone on your 'laugh-shaft'!'

"Delicious Special Seasoning? Oh... That's probably just the cook's dandruff."

"Gloves off at the table please!" "They're not gloves, they're dirt!"

Boy throwing mud over a coachman's heels

'Melvin, you have so much lead in your pants you don't need an apron....

'How impressive! I had no idea they awarded a Nobel Prize for home winemaking.'

"That's a semi-private room for you. You caught his and he caught yours."

Weather forecasters tell lies!

Throwing snails into next door's garden

For the last time, Mr. Clooney - That's not what we do here.

'I found a sure way to score at the races. Don't pick horses, pick pockets.'

"British Rail regrets the delay of......"