Resolution Epicurean Gifts

"Oh, no! I typed up all my New Year's Resolutions without saving copies, only to drop them in the shredder by accident! Now I'll never remember them! How clumsy of me! Oh, well!"

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

"Hmmm... low ash content. Smells like someone switched to canola oil... wait, is that tripe I smell?"

Holiday Supplies

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

"Hickory smoke—that's what gives it that hearty Western flavor."

"My New Year's resolution is to lose thirty-eight thousand pounds."

"You arrived as bottom-feeders, but you shall leave as bottom-gourmands."

"Call this cordon bleu?"

" . . . and white, not yellow. Block, not shredded. Aged, but not too aged that it doesn't slice well."

'Our five-course dinners start with denial, followed by anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.'

'...and that concludes this seminar on healthy living. Now, if anyone cares to join me, I'm off to that new place down the street for some steak and a few beers.'

"May we see something from local hydroponically grown grapes aged in casks made from non-endangered trees?"

How to injury yourself as an adult

'How many Breadsticks have you eaten?'

"Our new math book not only remediates, diagnoses, analyzes,and tests, it also contains fifty quick and delicious recipes for today's on-the-go teacher!"

"The book, How to Serve Man! It's. . . It's a cook book, filled with recipes that use MSG and transfats!"

"Do you have a strain that pairs well with Chunky Monkey?"

Survival of the Foodiest

Nick's Greek Restaurant: Special - Nick's own translation of the Odyssey

'Does this restaurant allow substitutions?'

"Some dehydrated corn and bone meal for the gentleman, perhaps?"

"What's good here?"

'Now, if you can get them when they're still in the clamshell, their adrenalin is way higher which enhances the taste. In fact, here comes one right now!'

No Flash Photography of Meals

Man reading dog food can: Contains beef and beef by-products.

"We are starting our diet tomorrow, so we need to eat this lot today."

'Hundreds of years of medical progress, and all you can tell me to do is eat less?'

"Now you know what your email goes through when you send a gigantic file."

'With my new ishell, I can get sounds from 7 oceans and closing market prices from the pacific rim, New York, Europe. . .'

"I'm looking for a red with a fruity bouquet, lightly peppery on the palate, and will get me smashed in under 3 glasses."

'You've really outdone yourself this time, dear! That was the best dirt I've eaten in a long time!'

"I'm so hungry , I could eat a man." Alison's appetite was legendary.