Email Epicurean Gifts

"Now you know what your email goes through when you send a gigantic file."

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

"Hmmm... low ash content. Smells like someone switched to canola oil... wait, is that tripe I smell?"

'It's the essence of springtime. You're really enjoying it.'

Holiday Supplies

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

"Hickory smoke—that's what gives it that hearty Western flavor."

"You arrived as bottom-feeders, but you shall leave as bottom-gourmands."

" . . . and white, not yellow. Block, not shredded. Aged, but not too aged that it doesn't slice well."

"Call this cordon bleu?"

"This robot barista is so authentic it even got my name wrong."

'Our five-course dinners start with denial, followed by anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.'

'This Beef Wellington is as tough as old boots.'

"May we see something from local hydroponically grown grapes aged in casks made from non-endangered trees?"

How to injury yourself as an adult

'How many Breadsticks have you eaten?'

"Oh, no! I typed up all my New Year's Resolutions without saving copies, only to drop them in the shredder by accident! Now I'll never remember them! How clumsy of me! Oh, well!"

"The book, How to Serve Man! It's. . . It's a cook book, filled with recipes that use MSG and transfats!"

Nick's Greek Restaurant: Special - Nick's own translation of the Odyssey

Survival of the Foodiest

No Flash Photography of Meals

'Does this restaurant allow substitutions?'

You complimented the chef on his dumplings-now he wishes to return the compliments!

"What's good here?"

'Now, if you can get them when they're still in the clamshell, their adrenalin is way higher which enhances the taste. In fact, here comes one right now!'

"Some dehydrated corn and bone meal for the gentleman, perhaps?"

Man reading dog food can: Contains beef and beef by-products.

'We thank you for this food, but we wish you gave us enough sense to avoid all this cholesterol, salt and all these additives.'

"I was afraid of GMO foods until I learned they're the designer versions."

"I'm looking for a red with a fruity bouquet, lightly peppery on the palate, and will get me smashed in under 3 glasses."

'With my new ishell, I can get sounds from 7 oceans and closing market prices from the pacific rim, New York, Europe. . .'

'You've really outdone yourself this time, dear! That was the best dirt I've eaten in a long time!'

"I'm so hungry , I could eat a man." Alison's appetite was legendary.