Reputation Repair Strategist Prints

"I spend January through November every year rebuilding my reputation after the annual holiday party."

"I’ve combined all your outstanding debt into what we here in the banking business like to call a honkin’ big loan."

Apart from your mother, who else thinks you're doing a good job as Chairman of the company?

"Your wonderful daughter and I would like to become engaged in F.Y. '97, married in F.Y. '98, and if the numbers look good, start a family in F.Y. '99."

The best financial decision I ever made.

'You've reached McWit Quality Construction. If your foundation has cracked, press 1, if your plumbing is leaking press 2, if your house is collapsing, press 3 ...'

Pity vs. Bragging and Public Relations

You got what you deserve … you deserve each other.

"Honestly, John, I'm not angry! I was going to suggest you give up driving even before you hit my car in the parking lot!"

"And anyway we'd be no good in bed - I've done the math."

'I'll be a responsible and mature asset to the company, as proven by the lack of asinine photos of me on Facebook.'

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

"I've spent all night diluting our negative reviews on Yelp." "Really?" "Yeah. You know how you can usually tell when a business owner does that?" "They post 'reviews' that don't have even a hint of negativity." "Amateurs. Check out the negatives I include: 'House of Java Cafe. I hate it because it's so perfect, it makes the rest of my day feel inadequate.'"

Others' perceptions (which aren't always true)

'Of course the physical side of your relationship's broken down, you've let yourself go!'

Separations.

Sportswasher's

"Agreed. We'll reduce our arsenal of insults, jibes and grievances by one-third but will be permitted to stockpile them for use should the need arise."

"I mind my mother, eat my broccoli and do my homework, but you won't tell the guys, will you?"

"I just want someone who texts me as often as Joe Biden does, you know?"

'Our love life has become market-driven.'

"I'm afraid your wife gets to say 'I told you so.'"

'That's it. Work out your aggressions just like the wild rams do.'

"After all the trouble I've been in lately, I decided to hire a PR firm to repair my image."

"Loss of libido? Have you considered Husband Replacement Therapy?"

"I've done the numbers, and I will marry you."

You can have your privacy back, as soon as I've finished showing it to everyone

I've spent all night diluting our negative reviews on Yelp. Really? Yeah. You know how you can usually tell when a business owner does that? They post "reviews" that don't have even a hint of negativity. Amateurs. Check out the negatives I include: "House of Java Cafe. I hate it because it's so perfect, it makes the rest of my day feel inadequate."

A Woman's Conquests.

'You told me I should be more affectionate, so I got myself two girlfriends!'

"Date night again already?"

Lance, why do you drink beer with a straw? Gloria's motto is, "lips that touch liquor shall never touch mine." this is my way around that.

'Are you fit, attractive male...?'

"Dad, if Mom ever has a boyfriend, I hope he's just like you."

"Listen, all I remember is that I blacked out right before saying anything incriminating."