Repair Bill Realist Pillows

"Don't worry. The mechanic says he can fix the car as soon as he gets it out of the wall."

Road Forks in the Road: No Way and Yes Way.

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

The Small Business Advisor: 'The first bit of advice I'd give you for your garage start-up is to tell your dad'

"I hate this time of year."

Woman talking romantically whilst man talks about measuring the scullery.

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

"Have you ever given any thought to what you're going to do after all your hopes and dreams are crushed?"

"It was only when I started to write the story of my life that I realised I'd forgotten to have one."

"According to the instructions, if the product is found to be faulty, dispose of it responsibly and purchase another."

"I see fleeting moments of happiness in between extended periods of boredom and stress."

Warning Being Alive On This Planet May Cause Cancer

"My new year's resolution. . . .Not to drink out of the toilet."

Elwood 'I Can Fix This Myself' McGrunzen

"Who would you like me to call first, the electrician or the plumber?"

'The problem isn't your high definition television, it's your low definition eyes.'

'Hey, what do you want from me? As a primary care physician, ALL I DO is prescribe drugs and refer you to specialists.'

"The increase in our budget has allowed you the luxury of a company vehicle. Enjoy."

Dear Diary...Resolutions

"My primary challenge is to strip away the hardened carapace of societal expectations..."

"Those image resolutions are crystal clear, but it's my New Year's resolutions that are getting pretty fuzzy."

'Let's enrol on the last one. We've more chance of getting a job doing that these days.'

'I can't read my New Year's resolutions -- I must have spilled beer on them last night.'

Who am I kidding?

"It's no good, Martin, it's still in the room."

'They tried to make me go to rehab, but I said no no no.'

"I decided to cut out the pretense and get to the point!"

Farmer complaining about his repair bill.

'The worst part is, we've never had it so good.'

'Could you put me into an induced coma for four weeks?'

"As a Senior Citizen applying for this job, where do YOU see yourself in 5 years?"

"Old MacDonald had a farm"

'I know I promised to get off my backside and take up a sort once the Olympics had finished - but it ain't over yet!'

"I'm having a dry January...Dry Martini, dry sherry, dry gin..."

"Yes, it is a very large bill. Unfortunately, the doctor who gave you a second opinion charges ten times what I do."