Remote Worker Humorist Gifts

'Hi--I'd like to know if you have a program that removes sand from a hard-drive.'

Pounding speeds up the computer.

"So we are agreed then, most of the targets we've set staff are completely unreasonable and we should just scrap them."

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

'Is that the sweet smell of success or some imitation air freshener?'

Politicians' basements (as seen on TV)

"I'm working from home today."

'Everyone in the company wears one, Yomp! It's what keeps us focused!'

"Remind me again, is it Accounting or IT that handles issues related to online solitaire?"

'My firm has an entire department that does nothing but adjust for inflation.'

Employee of the Month Parking

'It was going well - until his power suit short-circuited.'

"I'm trying to lure in Generation X-ers. They're the new sandwich generation. They're sandwiched between caring for their kids and caring for their parents. So they drink lots and lots of coffee."

Ants dressed as businessmen going to work.

"Personally, I'd like to hire you, Mike, but the company has some serious concerns about your core competencies!"

Suggestions box in a toilet.

"In accordance with our new 'sharing of responsibilities initiative,' you'll all be responsible for getting my coffee." i

"Well, if you hadn't misfiled it in the first place it wouldn't have been lost."

"By 'dress down day', most of us mean not wearing a jacket!"

'Ask yourself, 'What is it I'm not doing?', and then ask yourself, 'What is it I'm doing too much?'.'

"Barlow, it's come to my attention that you've called in, 'Playing Possum' 8 days this month."

'Everyone's true personality comes out on dress-down Fridays, even the boss's.'

Go slow delegating authority. First learn how to delegate blame.

"My boss had security escort me out of the office today. I'm worried this means I won't be getting a bonus."

'Comments? Thoughts? Anyone?'

"That's nice, but do you have any references other than your Mom?"

Performance management: "We decided to get rid of the carrot and keep the stick."

"So how did the rest of the team respond to your promotion?"

The suggestion box.

I didn't want to become the company president, but the board of directors left me no choice. You were backed into a corner office.

'And this is the computer that sends out our final demands.'

"Read the part when I invented micro management."

'It's my spare tire. Why do you ask?'

"Ambitions... to make a career change from tourism to sales."

'You might show a little excitement at the figures, Johnson!'