Reluctant Artist Pillows

"My art speaks for itself."

"The problem with these instructions is that they assume I have the attention span to actually read something."

"This next one is a typical blues number about exceeding your data plan limit, cracking your ipad screen, and losing your new ear buds."

"Isn't us talking about how I would never take a ballroom dancing class an activity we're doing together?"

"Being happy with one's work is the kiss of death."

"You don't get a lot of work done, Jenkins, but I admire how thoroughly unstressed you are."

Desk boxes: 'In', 'Out', and 'What ever'.

'...I don't want people to get the impression that I'm so passionate about my work that I'll be taking it with me!...'

Stop staring at that screen saver!

'Derek's a big fan of resisistance workouts. He always resists working out.'

"Go join your coach and the rest of your team. I'll be watching from the bar."

'She leaves before I finish her portrait.'

"Son, we didn't spend a fortune on your education so you can 'just be yourself.'"

A military officer daydreams

'This next song is about a close call and a near success. It's called The Grant that Got Away.'

"Should I fix it or call it a water feature?"

Man ignores DIY book and instead reads book entitled: 'Get someone else to do it'.

'I couldn't decide what to wear to work so I just didn't go.'

'Dang it Sharif, I told you we shouldn't built the jacuzzi on an ancient bee burial ground.'

"The boss is on a working vacation and we're on a nonworking vacation."

'He loves all sports, he can sit and watch others do it all day.'

"This could be a job for....Slothman. Nahhh."

"I can catch up with all the chores my wife wants done over the Labor Day weekend."

"I'm writing a book on everything I don't know about technology. It's a lot longer than I originally thought."

This week, House Manager Blowviatt has been asked to avoid the appearance of playing to the cameras.

'I'm home from a mind-numbing day at the office, ready to watch some mind-numbing TV.'

"For Christ's sake, Bob, tuck your shirt in."

Trying to get kids into sports

Knowing that he was holding yesterday's 7 million lottery ticket,,,

Obscenity-recognition software. It's for people who hate computers, but have to use them.

"Baldo, I need you to take this out to the dumpster."

'What? You mean I ran all the way here and got all that exercise for nothing?'

"I really should call my mother — I just don’t want to talk to her."

'The good news is, I've got no more trouble with my stupid boss and grumbling customers. The bad news is, our company is insolvent and I'm jobless.'

"The doctor said jogging would 'add ten years to your life...' He was right - I feel ten years older...!!"