Relationship Observer Pillows

'Please don't shoot, you wouldn't want to kill the father of your children.'

"I've been to all his weddings."

"Believe me, Alice, you didn't miss a thing. It wasn't even a party—it was a positioning event."

"You're grinding your teeth again."

I find that all men are one-dimensional. The reason I date Lance is that, being a comic strip character, he's only one dimension short of what he's supposed to be.

'I admire your persistence, Melvin, but I'm in love with another woman.'

'So you want a divorce - Who's the lucky woman?'

'What kinda man ranks women by the size of their TV!?'

'I dunno how I'm gonna cope if they keep you in!'

'Dave's a sexaholic, he's only interested in it when he comes home drunk.'

"I didn't quite understand it, but I think she's fooling around with a stork."

"Don't play innocent with me lucky. . . I saw you sniffing around that hussy Irish setter!"

"Doc, I'm secretly worried if you improve my girlfriend's vision prescription she'll dump me when she gets her new glasses!"

"Here's a candidate that might be exactly what you're looking for. She describes herself as: 'A woman of loose morals.'"

"Evidence suggests she was working on the puzzle, got up to make tea, husband enters and puts last piece in..."

"Yes, I'm from London. 'Which part?' you ask. Well all of me!"

'My understanding of psychiatry is that women fantasiss and men internalise - in fact I'd like to internalise right now.'

'Charlie is the first to admit that he's too old for me.'

"I feel we haven't moved beyond parallel play."

"Why don't you find a museum!"

"If i were to kiss you then there is a 17% probability that we might get married and that has a 24% likelihood that we'd have children with a 34% change of divorce...I'm not sure I can risk it."

Tunnel of Love/Tunnel of Marriage

'Uh, Dad - My wife thinks she and I should have a mountain of our own.'

'When we first met there was a chemistry between us. These days though, it's more of a 'chemistry set'.'

"You never told me your dad was so delightfully old-fashioned."

Battle of the sexes in a relationship

"I feel like I don’t even know my own husband ... and it’s driving me wild!"

"This is just SO like him. For years, I begged him to straighten up and fly right, and when he finally DID, it was right into a picture window!"

'Jane, cancel all my appointments for the rest of the week.'

'Trust me, she can't fail to notice you now...'

'The way we met was interesting. I opened my wallet and there she was!'

"Why can’t this count as ‘date night’?"

"Yes, he was very nice, Mom, but he had to cut the date short because it was... 'report card time'!"

"Frank, I want you to try antidepressants."

"Arthur, I need my space."