Red Carpet Aficionado Mugs

"I'm very proud. Someone I've been stalking has been nominated for an Academy Award."

"... And finally, I’d like to thank the FDA for approving Botox."

The day Elton arrived, the rolled out the red carpet. But not for him.

Nicole Kidman

Hotel disasters.

'Quick, wardrobe malfunction!'

'We're the first film ever in HD 3-D DOUBLE D!'

Rolling out the red carpet.

Leonardo Di Caprio

King steps out for a smoke.

Use of masks at official events

"Thanks to the Oscars, we're going to be the hottest finger food this season."

Showbiz Awards

Haute Suture

'Gosh, really? You've never been on any reality show at all?'

"This may surprise some of your viewers, but I didn't actually want to go into the box."

Little Red Riding Carpet

"I love being your agent, Nick, but the guys making the really big bucks now are the managers. Let me be your manager."

You know how Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are known as "Kimye," and Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are known as "Branjelina"? I think we should combine "Lance" and "Gloria" into either "Lania" or "Glance." What do you think? I think I won't be needing a menu now, as I'll be busy gagging.

Movie Awards. That movie always comes alone and never stays for the after-party. It's an independent film.

'For the actress who benefitted most by rehab...'

Music Hall Dancers

'And the Award goes to...Ewww...him?'

'I'm not a magician, but I do keep live doves in my pants.'

Maps to the homes of guys with friends who know some of the limo drivers of the personal trainers of the stars.

Cleaner cleaning under the feet of the dancers as they perform

"Is it 'Measure once, cut twice?' Or 'Cut once, then measure?' Or maybe it's..."

"Hello. I'm director Bob ('Blue Fires') Munsey and this is screenwriter Doris ('Highway to Nowhere') Winslow."

"Working from home is a great idea, Dad. We'd just like to establish some kind of dress code."

'Call you back - I'm with my agent.'

"Face it - in this town, either you're a star or you're just another brown dwarf."

Animal Actors

Bette Midler

'What a strange episode -- they just voted Ricardo Montalban off the island!'

May I have the envelope, please?