Recruitment Officer Pillows

"I see by your résumé that you're a woman."

'We are not a sexist employer, so we ask all employees exactly the same questions. Now, 'what happens if you become pregnant?''

"We only hire temps, and you have a look of permanence about you."

'Sometimes, instead of trying to fix a problem, it's easier to hire a scapegoat.'

'We're not looking for someone with good leadership qualities so much as we're looking for someone with good herding instincts.'

'Hang on kid...you have to sign up before you get to play with the toys!'

New employee has been waiting over eight years to be given job description.

"Do you have any references?"

'Here's my r?sum?, or, as I like to call it, 'a series of unfortunate events.''

"HR say we're behind target in naming women for senior positions. . . so in future you all have to call me Muriel."

'I have serious doubts about the efficiency of that new 'apples and bucket' hiring test.'

'Due to budget cuts we are having to take on more temporary staff.'

'You are a lot younger then I had imagined, Mr. Martini.'

'I get sea-sick, I can't swim but I rather fancy a little desk job like yours.'

Where are the jobs?

'And I see you have a degree from the University of Wikipedia...'

'I went to Harvard until they found out I was there.'

"Oh...what's this about needing sleep?..."

Army recruitment "Travel the world visit countries you have to take pills for"

'Excellent resume, Mr.Lubish, but we already have a shaman.'

'You'll recieve anger management training where you'll be taught to kill in an aloof,professional way.'

'I heard rumours you're outsourcing my job to India.'

"Heard the rumours about internet companies aggressively poaching our people?"

'W e e e l l . . . my mum says I'm good at testing the patience of saints'

RAF interviews - '...and what experience do you have as a kamikaze pilot?'

"Give us a few days and we'll call to tell you we've given the job to someone else."

'Congratulations! You are now a member of the Citizen's Freedom Brigade!'

'Remember that promotion you were asking for last month, , ,Well, something just opened up,'

'What made that candidate stand out?'

We don't use pink slips anymore. Just press 'delete' for Henderson and Philips.

'How can I be sure this isn't some sort of cult?'

'I don't have any formal training, but I do own the complet boxed set of 'Get Smart' DVD's.'

I think it's about time we both came clean, Fishburn. I am Box 5079 and you have applied for your own job.

If you could be any vegetarian, which one would you be and why?

'If we hadn't outsourced the staff, we could've eaten them.'