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Unreliable Narrator

Millionaire trapped in the body of a bum. Please help correct the situation. ?

'You're not fooling anybody but yourself.'

'That's right, Mr. Ferris. For the past fifteen years, you've been the subject of a scientific study. This isn't your real home, I'm not your wife, and THAT is a fake remote control!'

"Doc, I think I'm having hallucinations!"

"I feel proud of the success I've made, thanks for all your support."

"An un-observed universe ceases to exist. Yeah right!"

Too much cilantro

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

#notblessed

"What do you mean asking you to marry me via text wasn't romantic? Did you see the emoji with hearts for eyes I attached?"

Fight on the top

'She does great things with leftovers. . .She throws them out.'

'Sorry...I don't do hugs!'

'Don't give up the day job...'

'Before I send in my taxes,I want to know if I'm going to be audited.'

'I know you are doing your best, but it will be great when Pat comes home.'

The back of the Taj Mahal.

'I reduce my stress with comfort food. Now none of my clothes are comfortable.'

'I got him for self defense. Boze eats my wife's leftovers.'

Cost of living - 'Thank God we're dead.'

"Where do you see this country in five years?"

As soon as the diet ends the lost weight returns.

'Well, I hope you're satisfied -- I spent all afternoon going over your return, and I can't find a thing wrong with it!'

Man in cage at tax office

'Keep your eyes straight ahead and you can make it!'

'Great news, I've just swum the channel...lenthwise.'

"I'm sorry. I thought I'd cancelled my computer dating membership years ago!"

"When life gets too hectic, I just like to stop, smell the roses, and write checks."

Real World

Surviving the credit storm.

"I'm dating a 50-year-old woman! I need prescriptions for erectile dysfunction drugs and medical marijuana."

'He's gone off me-he had a FULL tank!'

"You have no experience, skills or talent. I'm afraif we can only place you on a reality TV show, which will lead to wealth and fame."

"We're trying to encourage some of the older staff to put their admin online."