Real Estate Comedian Gifts

"We really need two palms."

"Liable to flooding? Whatever gives you that idea sir?"

Do you mind if we stop calling this a "starter house" now?

Tidy it up for the open house, and it wouldn't hurt to put out some freshly regurgitated worms. For sale.

'And this is Eddy, he's been giving virtual tours long before computers.'

'. . .actually I'm not a real Guru, I was forced up here originally by the property prices.'

Estate Agent showing client his parents' house - '...and here's one from our affordable homes range'

Realtors: 'We make house calls'.

An exaggeration of estate agents

'Gee! You must have lost some on this property!'

Jet flies by. 'And of course it's handy for the airport.'

'Someday, Son, all this will be your ex-wife's.'

'Now from this room you can get a great view of the whales going by!'

'We do have a property in your price range, but we need a time machine to go back and visit it!'

'Now, it does require some modernisation. . . .'

'The only means of access was via the previous tenant's hair. But not to worry, there's a ladder 'round the back.'

"The high price is due to the great view of the beach."

"I've downsized."

"Efficiency tombs available"

Estate Agents: Executive Homes

'Is the fire included?'

"The bank rejected my application for a 2nd mortgage. They said they didn't have 1 in my size."

"For sale £470,000 house included"

"The only thing we seem to have in your price range is a bird box in Billericay."

'Considering this is a floating mass of accumulated pond scum, I'd say you're gettin' one heck of a deal.'

'It mostly scares the realtors.'

"As president of the tenants' association, I have to inform you that our list of grievances has been eaten."

"Come climate change, you could find yourself sitting beach-front on the French riviera."

"We figured why not make some money while we migrate south."

"Every once in a while this house comes with a pool."

'Here's the 2 acres of beachfront property you bought - too bad it's only six inches wide.'

"The current owners removed a number of walls and used soft, neutral tones to create a very spacious, open concept."

"Yes, it's nice, but it's lost twenty per-cent of its value in the past year."

"No pressure, but I do have another couple who are very interested."

'There are no skeletons in the closets but you might have troubles with those in the back yard.'