Reading Satire Pillows

"It's people like you, young man, who ruin it for everyone else!"

"Yes, that's right, Ted: I do buy people's souls. If you ever aquire one let's talk."

Policeman shouting - 'Don't stop that thief! It'll be too much paperwork.'

'It's good you called me when you did, Bill. Believe it or not, a little speed-bump like this can derail a perfectly good career if it isn't handled just right!'

Corporate Punishment.

Peace bomb.

'I'm not really a guru. I'm just here due to a tax loophole my accountant cooked up.'

You want to watch it here, a lot of back-stabbing goes on.

'He was upset about gaining weight.'

Tax inspector for ordinary people vs. Tax inspector for multinationals.

'That's Coleman. He's as honest as they come, which is why we never tell him what we're doing.'

"That's correct, Sir, for one month only a special buy one get one free offer on super injunctions."

"Do we wait for it to be approved as an antibiotic, or do we go ahead right now and sell it as furniture polish?"

"I'm sorry, but you're over-qualified."

'What makes you think I want a trophy wife?'

'I know the voter well enough to position myself so they follow me wherever they want to go.'

Feel rejected? Persecuted? Nobody loves you? We have over 100 used cheap handguns on sale for 9.99!

'Call the auto club and have them send over another slave.'

Toy soldiers very expensive.

'This man is from the state government, He wants to know why you haven't filled out a no fault accident report,'

"I was so busy stealing from other people's pensions that I forgot to pay into my own."

"A miIitary coup would have been humiliating enough, but getting overthrown by the BUTLER?"

"Well, if she doesn't love you for your money, son, maybe she's not the girl for you."

"Hello...we're here to 'rig' the election...!"

'The parachute, McConnel, you ****** self-centered idiot! Pull the ripcord.'

"It's the press. They want to know if you have anything to say about the sexual harassment charges being levied against you."

"We are an equal opportunity employer. . . All our jobs are equally crap."

"But I don't carry cash!"

The trap

"You serve an inferior wine, Ted, but you have a nice view of Peconic Bay."

"We will rename some of our products because the previous names may offend certain ethnic groups. Don't worry, Gurkenman. I will continue to call you 'Dumbass'."

"Can you spell that, sir?"

"Remember, kids... violence is never the answer."

"Vice President Elect Mike Pence. . . what are you doing here?"

"You seem to have the right combination of bitterness, pessimism, and caffeine consumption that we're looking for."