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"Wait a minute. We're lemurs! Lemurs!"

'I'm sorry, Mr Aaron, but we checked with your school and you only graduated first in your class alphabetically.'

"Do the Welsh and the Scots get on?"

"We could reshape your nose with conventional surgery, but I'm going to suggest something radical."

'Yes, it all comes down to quality of life. An inheritance sure would help.'

'That's actually a common misconception. The truth is we can go eight days without water, but only if we drink a lot of other stuff...you know, like apple juice.'

Begger plans vacation, sign reads: Please help me get my priorities straight

"Yes, it was a lovely meal wasn't it? I used a marvellous new caterer called 'pest control'."

'Fetch my pipe and slippers...there's a good dog.'

'What doctors really write on prescriptions.'

'The doctor will see your insurance coverage now.'

'Restless Peg Syndrome.'

"I was hoping for a more positive mission statement."

"I have to be getting back - I'm the glue that holds my parents' marriage together."

"It's an internship - crime doesn't pay."

"I didn't say: 'He doesn't bite'. I said: 'His bark was worse than his bite'."

'I'm here for the organ transplant.'

'Isn't it about time you get a haircut, dear?'

What the patient heard and what the doctor meant to convey.

'Gee, I hate the obituaries section after Christmas...'

Grounded beef.

"Why don't you pop back in a couple of years - we'll talk again!"

'Congratulations!... You're our one millionth dissatisfied customer!'

I Told You So

"I just wanted you to know that we're electable."

Common golf problems - 'Greens are really slow today.'

'To be honest, I don't know why I got all of these medals. You'd have to ask my boyfriend, the General.'

Relate - "...If she doesn't feel like cooking, then I send her to the takeaway."

"May I focus my customer frustration on you with the understanding you're powerless and it's nothing personal?"

"I'm not really competition, I don't deliver messages: I specialize in delivering parcels..."

"So you can see, son, there are others a lot worse off than us."

'I'm not actually fat - my mum wraps me up in cotton wool.'

Nobody messed with the milkman.

Your Money Back if and when We Feel Like It.

Worse case of chicken pox I've ever seen!