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"Wait a minute. We're lemurs! Lemurs!"

'I'm sorry, Mr Aaron, but we checked with your school and you only graduated first in your class alphabetically.'

"Do the Welsh and the Scots get on?"

"We could reshape your nose with conventional surgery, but I'm going to suggest something radical."

'Yes, it all comes down to quality of life. An inheritance sure would help.'

'That's actually a common misconception. The truth is we can go eight days without water, but only if we drink a lot of other stuff...you know, like apple juice.'

Begger plans vacation, sign reads: Please help me get my priorities straight

"Yes, it was a lovely meal wasn't it? I used a marvellous new caterer called 'pest control'."

'Fetch my pipe and slippers...there's a good dog.'

'What doctors really write on prescriptions.'

'Restless Peg Syndrome.'

'The doctor will see your insurance coverage now.'

"Those speedbumps are there for a reason, Mrs. Gunderson."

"I didn't say: 'He doesn't bite'. I said: 'His bark was worse than his bite'."

'I'm here for the organ transplant.'

'Congratulations!... You're our one millionth dissatisfied customer!'

'Not tonight, Deer, I have a headache.'

"I was hoping for a more positive mission statement."

"Why don't you pop back in a couple of years - we'll talk again!"

'Gee, I hate the obituaries section after Christmas...'

"I have to be getting back - I'm the glue that holds my parents' marriage together."

"It's an internship - crime doesn't pay."

Grounded beef.

What the patient heard and what the doctor meant to convey.

'Isn't it about time you get a haircut, dear?'

'Lasik surgery is VERY affordable nowadays...UNLESS YOU'RE A FLY!'

'To be honest, I don't know why I got all of these medals. You'd have to ask my boyfriend, the General.'

'You can't deduct your TV as a medical expense, even if it does induce drowsiness, improve sleep patterns, and act as a mild sedative.'

"If that's my matching sock, I'm not here."

Relate - "...If she doesn't feel like cooking, then I send her to the takeaway."

A man is in a complaints queue to complain about a noose.

Holy Moley

Insurance quote.

Your Money Back if and when We Feel Like It.

"I just wanted you to know that we're electable."