Racing Analyst Gifts

'I could have won, but my jockey kept pulling me back: Something fishy went on in that race!'

Monster Baseball. The team's continuing to have some problems this season. Jekyll is good one day and bad the next. Dracula only shows up for night games. The Mummy is always covered in bandages and on the injured list. And King Kong can't keep his mind on the game --- Whenever he sees a pretty woman, he climbs up into the stands after her! At least Frankenstein has been pitching great again, just like when he was young! Yeah, he has a completely new arm!

"England losing from a penalty shootout again!"

'I don't understand why you always put me in goal?!'

-Sorry about yesterday, I was ill! -You didn't look ill when I saw you at the races! -You didn't see me after the fifth leg!

"Now we move over to the sports desk."

"Hello? Is that the canine help line?...."

Political Candidates' Playbook Signals from the sidelines

Cricket Accidents.

The Other Cooperstown

'He's gonna dunk on me. I just know it.'

What an afternoon. Rudy, listen to me. It didn't mean anything. You can't play Xbox 360 all afternoon with a guy and pretend it means nothing. I was drunk! You loved it - all of it. The racing and arcade games, the first-person shooters, but especially ... No ... WWF Wrestling Smackdown. I'm a married woman!

'At least we don't have to accomplish anything in order to go to a bowl game.'

'I got a reverse hat trick. I let three goals in.'

'...However, he is such a heck of a nice guy, we're going to give him the touchdown anyway.'

7 can't-miss prayers to insure that your team wins.

'...I don't like your chances!'

Centaur Forward

'I hate it when they emulate their major league heroes.'

Baseball Fantasy League Draft. 27 Trout. Everybody wants that rare player who can do it all on their team. Yeah, a player that hits for average and hits for power! Who is also terrific with a glove and has a strong throwing arm. All along with having great speed! Excuse me, I just don't understand it. Why are you always making such a big deal over a five-tool player?!

'Fergie quits - chewing gum sales hit all time low!'

'We went generic. The players' salaries are affordable.'

Bessy had won the 100m sprint... but many suspected Steeroid abuse!

Basketball.

'He hasn't played a game yet, but there are people who have started whinging about him already.'

Wilfried Zaha

Jose Mourinho & Roman Abramovich Caricature.

"Fellas, I invited Max here to give us a fresh, millennial take on how to get out of the inning."

'Nice tackle, Dewey! You knocked the fur ball out of him!'

Lost Season

'All this viewing is an endurance event in itself...'

'We'll have you practising in a milk float in no time!'

"The good news is I used AI to fill in my March tournament bracket and I won the whole thing. The bad news is AI has become self aware and wants the prize money."

"We would have won if it hadn't been for the other team."

"Remember—we're not Eagles fans or Patriots fans. We're Tom Brady Somehow Gets Humiliated fans."