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Lateral Recruits

'...No it's Malcom from ***** after someone with autocad experience in elecro-mechanical design.'

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

"That's our new church mascot."

I think you'll appreciate my resume. It's printed on a fridge magnet.

'This is impressive, Roberts, but I'm not sure that it qualifies as work-place leadership.'

'We're looking for someone to liven up our Monday morning job meetings. Can you handle it Chuckles?'

'Says here you can tear phonebooks in half? Well, security could use a man like you in our shredding department!'

"I don't consider a missing four million dollars to be 'monkeyshines'."

"Well, you certainly seem to have a lot to offer this company, and, of course, the truffles are a hell of a plus."

"Actually, the job calls for someone who is convex."

'I let my merit badges do the talking.'

"What sets you apart from other candidates?"

"Get me a young fella-me-lad with a jib I like the cut of."

'Smith, where exactly did you get your experience in 'Hedge Fund Management'?'

Floss Street Vendor

Urine Catcher

"The boss is the fatherly type. He never fires anybody."

'My resume,...in rap form!'

"A Ph.D. in particle physics, experience in aerospace and rocketry...of course I can juggle."

"And the hiring committee was very impressed with your no nonsense attitude during the interview."

'As you know, this job requires leadership experience. Have you had any?'

"Any other skills?"

Child selling cold lemonade in the winter

"I work well independently. I usually correct all the problems I create."

Doomsday marketing

'Man, I gotta find a new gig!'

"An MBA, a PhD, AND good at catching mice? Wow!"

'Bancroft, it's time to pay the salesmen their bonuses. Would you please stop at the butchers' shop and get a few pounds of raw meat?'

'...hmm ...I predict an upturn in profits this year.'

'Now THIS is my idea of a creative department.'

True, I've seen plenty of padded resumes, but very few bejeweled resumes.

'I can assure you Mr. Rumplestilkskin, weaving straw into gold is a skill we can certainly use...'

ROBOT EMPLOYMENT AGENCY, 'We don't have much on hand right now --how'd you like to be a Pez dispenser?'

Man in the stocks on his typewriter.