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Acupuncture

'You don't have a heart murmur, but your liver is muttering.'

9 out of 10 doctors recommend keeping their stethoscopes in the freezer.

"Let's just start cutting and see what happens."

"Hiya, hiya, hiya, guy. I'm the bluebird of Prozac."

'Gee, Doc - couldn't you just use a rubber mallet to check my reflexes?'

Man with money in hand reads instructions on 'Check prostate' vending machine

Quick! 5-second rule!

"And more intriguingly, your prognosis differs depending on which search engine I use."

"9 out of 10 doctors recommend keeping their stethoscopes in the freezer."

"Your husband's laryngitis will probably last another wee but your blood pressure is nothing short of miraculous."

'When I die could you preserve my liver for medical research? You've done that already.'

The Big Book of Really Hard Surgery

A Mom and Pop Operation

'Eureka! It won't cure anything, but the side effects are terrific!'

"Do you carry generic placebos?"

"My Doctor said I needed more exercise so I jogged down to the donut shop."

Plastic Surgery

"Why do I always get the stupid wobbly table?"

'We're out of sugar pills, so I'm giving you some M&M's.'

"He certainly brings a new dimension to keyhole surgery!"

'You're not my usual doctor.'

Multitasking: Psychiatry and Podiatry.

"Take one three times a day after meals."

St Berts - Britain's first open mouth surgery in progress.

A heart flies out during an operation.

"Not that one...the big one on the top shelf!"

'Call me immediately if this prescription causes and headaches or hallucinations.'

Sewing for Dummies.

"I was going to give him accupunture, but on second thoughts..."

He seems healthy, but I'd like to keep him here for observation.

Geez, Bob, maybe you should see a chiropractor.

Dr. Potato Head

"I had trouble opening the child-proof cap."

"We run an old fashioned practice here, Mrs Gledhill."