Quirky Family Storyteller Pillows

"Everyone here is alive because I got laid."

"Did you sleep awkwardly again?"

True confessions.

'It's really more of a family forest than a family tree.'

"Just kick back and enjoy this. These are the nest years of our lives!"

"Sorry lad, ye can't be having' me pot o' toilet paper."

Children's Party

"When I was young my parents couldn't afford to give me too much, too soon."

"It seems like only yesterday that Dad told me I'll be an adult before I know it."

"Your momma lied to you, boy."

"No, son, you’re not ‘M for Mature.’"

"Hello, my name is Karl and I'm addicted to speaking to small groups of strangers."

'We're doing a fly on the wall documentary.'

'Riley, I think it's time you learned the truth... You're adopted.'

"Oh, she talk a lot...but only about her children."

'This court finds you guilty Mr. Jones. As your punishment, the bailiff here will slug you one.'

"Tell us the one about swift justice, Grandpa."

'You were a band geek?! Maybe Max will play an instrument!'

"We're not laughing at you, sweetie. We're laughing at something you don't understand."

"See those birch trees on the other side of the pond? That’s the exact spot where your mother first called me an idiot."

Wyatt returns home to visit his old small town.

"Grandpa, how did you ever survive without apps?"

'It is a big day! Ten years ago, yout dad joined the union!'

"Well, sir, it looks like things are getting pretty serious for Peter and Pauline."

"But our history was current events when you were at school Dad!"

How I met your mother

"The last one is Uncle Charlie. He was pardoned in 1987."

'Oh God I hope that bunch of rednecks aren't waving at me!'

'There's a little bit of my late husband in every glass - I used his ashes as a fining agent.'

'You may disagree with me now, Son, but when you're 500 years old, you'll understand.'

'If I want to live happily ever after, grandma, do I have to marry a princess?'

Pets in Attorney's office - 'The iguana gets everything.'

'It's a horror-comedy.'