Quirky Family Dynamics Pillows

"I put them up after the divorce so that he knows his father is still part of his life."

'You didn't spank me today. What did I do good?'

"We don't spank in our family- we just use the discipline clown."

"If you are still unhappy with your current allowance compensation, may I once more suggest to you a life of crime."

"This is our adoptive son. We found him in the cellar where he was raised by spiders."

'Did you get your drink problem from Grandma, mummy?'

"My granddaughter's first words to me were 'OK, Boomer.' I have no idea what that even means."

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

'Honey, I wish you wouldn't bring your work home with you!'

Relationship Warning Lights

Emotion of Mr. Kenwigs on hearing the family news from Nicholas

"My mom says I can start a rock band if I call it 'I Love My Mommy'. You in?"

'Stop cracking and hulling his seeds. He's accustomed to working for his food.'

'Everything I say to you goes in one ear and out the other.'

"Because he's illiterate. That's why I have to read to him all the time."

"Yeah, you could say I've got mother issues....she told me I have to move out!"

Children's Party

"You never told me your dad was so delightfully old-fashioned."

"Were we expecting a baby?"

"Mom, please! I'm a married woman whose friends have been reviewed favourably by the New York Times."

"Adopted? It's cute how you think we would've picked you."

'It's time to move out when Mom says...'

"I'll go to my room and do my homework, but I want time and a half."

'What did I learn in school today? You'd better sit down.'

"Raymond's prospects look good, Daddy. . . He's pretty sure he's picked all six lotto numbers!"

"Get up at 7; leave for school by 8; no video games until after homework is done -- how about some regulatory relief?"

'Hi, I'm Bob and I'll be your waiter ... and this is my wife, Susan, and her two children from a former marriage, Jimmy and Cindy.'

"Good work Tim, you snatch it all: none of this sharing with your brother nonsense..."

"This is not what I meant when I said you needed to practice your play fighting..."

"If we play house, Timmy, we can't live with my parents because..."

"Mum, Dad, I think I might be bipedal."

Ask Sadie Advice Hour. What's your problem?! I don't want to vaccinate my kids. But my husband does. What do I do? Excellent question. It reminds me of the time Mother Cohen and Father Cohen were arguing about vaccinating us kids. Father Cohen accused her of being a pawn of the Illuminati's attempt to use diphtheria to mutate us into ape-people. Mother Cohen accused him of being anti-Darwinian. That's when Father Cohen brought up her illicit fling with Chuck Darwin, and all heck broke loose. Um

"I'm an oldest child trapped in the body of a middle child."

"We located the hissing noise, Mr. Watkins. Your wife's mother is in the back seat."

'You're texting? Wait--'