Punter's Mate Gifts

'The blooming thing took a wrong turn off the course.'

-Sorry about yesterday, I was ill! -You didn't look ill when I saw you at the races! -You didn't see me after the fifth leg!

James's Mayfair Gym - Punting Machine.

"Lady here wants to put £5 on Cambridge 'Each way'!"

'Gluten-free manna will come in the second salvo.'

'Hopefully this will not have a negative impact on my dinner.'

"Not too much off my back."

'What he lacks in speed he gains in nose.'

'If you want to improve your golf score, the best wood to use is a pencil with an eraser.'

Headstone in bird cage, "We really loved our budgie.."

His Other Shtick

'Ere Bert, what do I do with a lady who wants an each way bet on the boat race?'

Saloon Selectives

A Good Bet.

Dolphin at bar - 'I'm in disguise'

'What's the odds on Cheltenham going ahead?'

"We did the sequel, we did the prequel. There's only one option left: zombies."

Football will be penalised...

'Look, I don't know what repulsive smelly thing I just ate, but I know what I like.'

Hunter looking at sign NOOKs and CRANNIES

"Do you think there might be a bitcoin in it?"

'I bet I can tell you the score before the game starts. Nil-nil.'

-You seem certain he'll win the second race! -Yes, because he's in the FIRST race!

'Twenty quid will be great, I'll give you it back on Thursday when I get my Giro.'

Gambler And Umpire

'Racing form on wall' -"Thunder lad is the only horse with a chance.. I've been following him all season."

-Sorry, I was ill yesterday -You didn't look ill when I saw you at the races! -You didn't see me after the 5th leg!

"I never thought that Rex from no. 81 wold get 'emasculated'..."

"I think we need to spend some time apart."

"You're Not Bending Your Knees."

"My paycheque this month is actually less than I made on the football pool."