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Buy one beer, get one free. If I may paraphrase a famous quote, "Beer is proof that God has mixed feelings about us and wants us to be hungover."

'I wouldn't say this wine's name is long, but it's continued on the bottle next to it.'

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

'The history of Glue. It's impossible to put down.'

"Whenever he shows up everything turns to crap!"

I will study my speling words...

Intelligent people laugh too!

"Hey, pal, let's hear 'Doggie in the Window' again, and this time play it like you mean it!"

"Are your eel rolls electric?"

"Bad dog! I've told you to always proofread."

Assault 'n' Vinegar

I'm allergic to parrots, so I got an aaaarrrrdvark.

'Poor Kleinzweck -- his working hypothesis got laid off.'

'Roget it's fantastic, superb, extraordinary...where on earth did you get the idea?'

Sweep the board.

'Did you watch the horror movie?'

"Not to brag or anything, but I'm the elephant in the room at my company."

Look! Up in the sky! It's absurd! It's inane! It's Malaprop Man! Malaprop Man, I hear you're fighting climate change now. Yes starting with solo panels, I'm reducing greenhouse guesses! I'm investing in buttery technology. I'm going to have windmeals. And of course, I've stopped drinking cola. Why is that? I'll have a smaller carbonated footprint!

'I've been a nervous rex all day.'

"Bed Spread"

'It's the report from the consultant. He says we should turn over the turnovers to improve turnover.'

"Petting zoo" "Heavy petting zoo"

"Just for the heck of it, how do you plead?"

Adam names the animals (He puts sticky notes on them saying Shaz, Dave, Trish etc).

"Scotch and water musick."

'What did I tell you? There's always a catch to those bargain internet travel fares...'

"Where were you between 4 and 6?"

Dogs life

"No chips, but I did snag the new Hiaasen."

'It's worse than we thought: You've got termites.'

'He bought a donkey because he thought he might get a kick out of it.'

"You wanted the magic back in our relationship..."

"Moby Richard by Herman Melville" "Wonderful! Not sure about the title—let's discuss editor."

'Do you know how fast you were going?'

"So is this war movie rated R, rated PG, or rated RPG?"