Pun Specialist Gifts

What happened to "will work for food"? Will write funny gags for food. You Fusco Brothers need funny gags way more than you need your lawn mowed.

'No, no, I'm Water Cooler Carl of the Snappy One Liner. You want Copy Machine Mike of the Flip Remark.'

'Put an egg in the bowl and beat it with the whisk.'

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

The Signing of tthe United States Constitution

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

"My dad says we eat honey 'cause it has lots of vitamin Bee."

Zombie standup

Unable to raise enough money for a trip to Paris, the Bartlesville High French Club had to settle for three days in Tulsa.

"Talk nerdy to me."

Today we'll see some misused or misunderstood financial and economic terms. It's said inflation can hurt the economy. But it's absolutely in the tire business. I bought this warm puffy jacket with cash. A down payment. We like beer and coffee. Our most valuable liquid assets. In a monopoly breakup, the race car would to go one person and the dog to another. And when I become either a buyer or a seller. He's shorting the market!

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"E=MC² Energy=Milk·Coffee²"

"Think of it as twenty one in human years. I'll take a bourbon and toilet water."

"It does have a side effect. You'll faint when I tell you how much it will cost to produce."

'The history of Glue. It's impossible to put down.'

'Darling I want you to remember this always,,,'

I will study my speling words...

'You've got bats alright...now we'll just have to determine what kind.'

"Another dry scotch Manhattan, Mike. Make it a double."

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

"Ooh, I must sit down - I'm dead on my feet!"

baby sweetcorn...

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

Unforgettable, that's what you are... Gnat King Cole

"He's taken buzzed to a whole new level."

This is Lenny the leopard with the on-the-spot news.

'Your French dip, sir.'

"Unfortunately, your son swallowed a great deal of industrial adhesive. But don't worry: Epoxy can be cured."

"He's having a hard time finding work."

"I only travelled with my umbilical cord!"

"Oh, stop it. You are not at all obtuse." Complimentary angles make the other angles feel good about themselves.

"I don't want to fork. I just want to spoon."

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'