Pulpit Punster Gifts

'You're in luck. The dog ate my sermon.'

'We are gathered here...'

Vicar wearing shirt back to front instead of dog collar.

''ere - I thought you said your pans were non-stick!'

Contrary to popular belief, the road to Hell is paved with a comprehensive, lifetime tax return.

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

'I'm going to try that 'vegan' thing, Joe -- give me some beer nuts.'

"I've been having stomach problems. I sit on the bathroom for 30 minutes in the morning...and a half-hour in the evening."

Should I bark? Flow chart for dogs

"We'll just have the loaves and fishes. . ."

Public toiletsbathrooms for dogs using fire hydrants in cubicals.

"Hallelujah!"

"Oh, the usual - spreading pestilence and misery. You?"

The Poodle and The Twooudle.

'If you want to improve your golf score, the best wood to use is a pencil with an eraser.'

'Nice try, Billy, but dogma is not a puppy's mother!'

"It's obvious Jesus accepts everyone. His disciples were fishermen, and we know what kind of lies we tell."

His Other Shtick

'My broker swears it's a great investment but I fear it's just another pyramid scheme.'

'Play dead.'

Pork Sausage.

"So the vet says, 'If this is my thermometer, then where's my pen?' . . . Get it!? . . . IS this thing on!?"

Mosquito 'restaurant' on a person's skin. Waiter asks 'Red or red?'

'I'm not the first visionary who's been accused of extreme optimism.'

'Come on, just a few more. I need to boost my metabolism.'

Wash and Let My People Go

Flower: 'I wouldn't go in there if i were you Pal. The place is full of Skinheads.'

"I just had a horrible dream - I was wallowing in apple sauce."

Blue-nosed pointer: 'Naughty, naughty!'

"The hardest part is admitting you have a problem."

'The other hand.'

'Relax...I heard our opponents today are huge pussies.'

1347: Olaf the Oaf invents stand up comedy

'She saved the best for last!'

Fakir Repairs