Pulpit Punster Gifts

'You're in luck. The dog ate my sermon.'

'We are gathered here...'

Vicar wearing shirt back to front instead of dog collar.

''ere - I thought you said your pans were non-stick!'

Contrary to popular belief, the road to Hell is paved with a comprehensive, lifetime tax return.

"This stool shall pass."

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

'I'm going to try that 'vegan' thing, Joe -- give me some beer nuts.'

"I've been having stomach problems. I sit on the bathroom for 30 minutes in the morning...and a half-hour in the evening."

"We'll just have the loaves and fishes. . ."

Should I bark? Flow chart for dogs

"Oh, the usual - spreading pestilence and misery. You?"

"Hallelujah!"

Public toiletsbathrooms for dogs using fire hydrants in cubicals.

The Poodle and The Twooudle.

'If you want to improve your golf score, the best wood to use is a pencil with an eraser.'

'Nice try, Billy, but dogma is not a puppy's mother!'

"It's obvious Jesus accepts everyone. His disciples were fishermen, and we know what kind of lies we tell."

'My broker swears it's a great investment but I fear it's just another pyramid scheme.'

His Other Shtick

'Play dead.'

Mosquito 'restaurant' on a person's skin. Waiter asks 'Red or red?'

"So the vet says, 'If this is my thermometer, then where's my pen?' . . . Get it!? . . . IS this thing on!?"

Pork Sausage.

'I'm not the first visionary who's been accused of extreme optimism.'

Wash and Let My People Go

'Come on, just a few more. I need to boost my metabolism.'

"I just had a horrible dream - I was wallowing in apple sauce."

Flower: 'I wouldn't go in there if i were you Pal. The place is full of Skinheads.'

Blue-nosed pointer: 'Naughty, naughty!'

"The hardest part is admitting you have a problem."

'The other hand.'

'Relax...I heard our opponents today are huge pussies.'

1347: Olaf the Oaf invents stand up comedy

Fakir Repairs