Profit Prognosticator Prints

'Our rivals have issued a big profit warning, so we'll issue an even bigger warning.'

Ace Stair Lift graph.

"We have posted lower second-quarter earnings, reflecting placement of loans to Brazil, Ecuador, and Ms. Dunwoodie on non-accrual status."

'Good news! The stock market is about to explode upwards on...'

'Now do you think that's done any good?'

'Before you use that information, I ought to tell you that the computer predicted we'd have record profits last year.'

'That is correct on so many levels Jenkins!'

"Well, there's nowhere to go but up."

"For my next trick, I shall turn four consecutive quarters of losses into a positive outlook going forward."

"Gentlemen, I'm pleased to say the firm is perfectly positioned to avoid chapter eleven and still be in existence this time next year."

"Although technically it's a profit and loss statement, the narrative is admittedly rather one-sided."

'Great news this quarter! Losses are up in smoke, profits are high, and we're seeing lots of green!'

ACME Balloon Company.

"We've done a rigorous examination of your business plan using the latest algorithms to model future profits. . . which way up would you like it?"

Business is off the chart.

'This is from a post-ethics phase.'

"I love your optimism."

"It's swings and roundabouts – one goes up the other goes down."

'Look on the bright side; you got out of that stock before it became...unstable.'

"Sorry, but there aren't enough life jackets to go around."

"We're always excited to hear from analysts who are bullish on the market."

Sales Chart Through Ceiling

'I tried everything to turn this around but if the cops ask, I was here in this room with you guys all week.'

"Oh, I can't complain"

Astrological forecasts of the rich and famous

"It will be all your fault."

'I need a tool to measure productivity.'

'You certainly have a way with no words.'

"This is where things started getting really weird."

"Thankfully, this year, the results can be attributed to something other than our own gross incompetence."

"We're estimating that sales are now up to about here."

'Well Miss Hayward, your suggestion of trying Feng Shui didn't work.'

Recycling bin for 'short term business plans'

"Who's on duty today...you or me?"

"Your moon is in the House of Pancakes."