Profile Pic Skeptic Pillows

"This can't even be the right planet! No one looks remotely like their online profile pics."

'Past performance is not an indication of future results.'

"I don't post selfies because I don't want people to feel better or worse about their looks."

"I do love you, Jerry, but it's somewhere below the conscious level."

"Ooo... she sounds nice... 'I enjoy burying myself in the sand and sideways walks on the beach.'"

Cupid misses his shot.

'Typical man...too stubborn to stop and ask for directions.'

"I don't love you anymore, Barry, but I still think you're a great American."

'Would you like to come in for a rejection?'

"If only I liked you a little more and you liked like me a little less."

Yes, but.

'You remind me of my ex-ex-ex.'

'Are you ready to get hurt again?'

"Oh, you were on automatic pilot? And what about her? Was she on automatic pilot, too?"

"I tolerate you too. With all my heart."

'No wonder the divorce rate is so high!'

"Greta Thunberg writes that from now on she doesn't care about climate change because mankind doesn't deserve to survive..."

Second Thoughts Wedding

Using a social media app to date

'I'm worried about Junior. He's so lazy he won't even take his own selfie.'

'Excuse me, would you mind...?'

"Social service teams are claiming that they can't recruit workers because of the vicious, biased reports we write about them!"

"I wish your temperature told the real truth about you."

"Just saying, if you can't trust your software upgrades, what can you trust?"

'Are you sure it's necessary to sign this part declaring 'all information is true and correct to the best of my knowledge'?.'

"No, this is not part of an evacuation procedure."

"Of course I don't love you - why d'you keep asking?"

'It's a big step getting married. I need time to think about it - What did you say your name was?'

"Arrows won't work on him. Use a taser."

Elderly spinster commenting on a marriage

"It was love at first sight, except for his ringtone."

'Is this a trick question?'