Professional Prepper Gifts

"It would be unwise to attend an interview without doing any preparation in advance.

'We're all out of flu vaccine - how about something for anxiety...?'

Prospective hospital employee: 'I do sutures. Are there any openings?'

"For most people, the sense of panic will be mild."

"My dream is to have a little house and a white picket fence wired with explosives."

A sun opens its mouth to eat a burning Earth

Zombie Problems

"If the meeting goes on for longer than scheuled...I'm prepared!"

A fire extinguisher box with band aids in them has a sign above with reads, "In case you cut yourself breaking glass break this glass."

"I'm long term unemployed because jerks like you won't hire me!"

"You have a killer resume, Phil, but unfortunately, we have all the dead wood we need right now."

'My purse! The original 24-hour pharmacy.'

The End is Nigh

'For no particular reason I want to know the location of our fire extinguisher.'

S.O.S. vaccine

Wally flunks the test: The Emergency Broadcast System.

What's your contingency plan, Randy? My what? If a calamity of biblical proportions were to strike here in Canardville, would you flee across the bridge to Candorville? Or would you search in vain for a fallout-resistant bunker, before surrendering to the cruel inevitability of your demise? I ask just for the sake of discussion. No reason to panic. Totally unrelated: I just found out someone who's definitely not me is selling fallout bunkers at buy-this-now-if-you-want-to-live.com. Very bad man.

Prepper Dog

'Relax. This is only a test.'

Holiday Gifts 2020

Disasters

'I keep them around for unruly octopi, or giant radioactive spiders... you know, just in case.'

The Ambivalence of a Nice Day in February

"My next book? It will probably be about rising up and crushing humanity."

"I felt like 'data analyst' sounded better than 'good guesser'."

'I've been plagued with worry over rising water levels, so...'

"I told you they had a tough interview process here."

Trick or Treatment.

There's been lots of unexplained shaking and booming noises in the middle of the night - all over the world. Some thing earth's entered a part of space filled with meteors too big to burn up in our atmosphere. Others think governments are building a network of underground bases to save a select few from a coming apocalypse. A lot of people think the world's about to end, Susan. If it were anyone but you, I'd thinking this was a pickup line. For the first time in my life, all my favorite shows go

"This isn't just about the wolf anymore, is it?"

'It's the worst I've seen in this area. Lots of chicken pox going around.'

Fire Assembly Point

Fair readers, please accept these personal tips for remaining healthy and germ free. Public service announcement! Keep your stress low. Exercise, eat right, hydrate and try to get a little affection in your life, if you get my meaning. If you use someone else's computer, wipe down the keyboard with alcohol to kill the germs. Ditto with the mouthpiece of a borrowed cellular phone. Don't touch anything or anyone. Bathe yourself in hand sanitizer. Don't leave the house, and if you do, don't inhale

'You don't have much of a work history, do you, Mr. Laren?'

In case of fire call yourself.