Private Practitioner Pillows

'Don't get your hopes up. In private practice, malt whisky and havana cigars mean you're terminal.'

"You have to believe what you're doing will lead to something valuable, even though it probably won't."

"When I grow up, I want to go into medicine and help people who can pay out of pocket."

"..Your analysis and medication would be perfect if you were a goat."

'I'm afraid it's bad news Mr.Hooper, I've just got the report on your finances.'

"The Captain really, really hates losing at shuffleboard."

'Have you tried a licensed health practicioner?'

"How many letters can you read?"

"I made a list of all my symptoms. Lost the list. Can't remember any of my symptoms now."

'He's put in a tender to run down public services.'

"Solar flares may be a contributing factor or perhaps it's a negative vibe sensitivity...."

'Kitchen! Chicken Bone! Hurry!!' - Rent-A-Surgeon

Landlubbers ONLY!

Have a very piratical Birthday

'The computer links me to other doctors, so I can see how much they're charging for tests.'

'May I remind you that this patient is a very successful lawyer specializing in medical malpractice?'

'Sorry to interrupt - your monastery is on fire...the IRS wants to talk to you - and something about a missing case of wine.'

"When I said let's scuttle her. I meant that ship over there."

"Same ship, different day."

"People are always saying how stupid it is that the bst practitioners are always promoted and make poor managers....but I think that's complete rubbish...He was a lousy practitioner as well!"

Introducing: Eye-Quit. The Nicotine Patch for Pirates...

"All I have is tofu."

"I thank you guys for a wonderful time—and for giving me the opportunity to access some laughter!"

Yoga Class: Position Vacant

'-and you do realise,of course,that as a private patient tipping is permitted?'

'He's my father and I say we dump him pricate...!'

GP Convention: 'You're very well, how am I?'

"Next time I'm getting a parrot instead of a woodpecker!"

"There we go. How’d that feel, Frank? … Frank? … Mr. Blume? Oh, no."

Private Consultant: Keep Out!

"Watch out for his left hook!"

The captain realised that if he were to continue to strike fear into mens hearts, he must never be seen in a state of undress.

'Mr. Simpkins, is one of my private patients, so I'm going to keep him in until his cheque clears... Er, I mean, until his chest clears.'

"I wonder what we did in a past life that made us all go bald?"