Private Dining Enthusiast Gifts

Reserved

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"Stephen and I are today's special."

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

"And I'll also take my steak raw thank you."

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

"The chef is going to need more than just your ‘compliments’ tonight … he’s in one of his moods."

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

'Of course you're very dear to me - that meal just cost a fortune.'

'Only the years when the market was Bullish...'

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

"Hi, I'm Pop!"

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

Next time, a larger tip for the server and less free tax advice.

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

'Who gets the decaf?'

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

"We have plenty of time to catch the ark."

Frank & Ernie's Diner. Today: Yogurt Surprise. We call it "yogurt surprise" because we couldn't read the expiration date on the carton.

"I can't go much longer without your asking why I'm vegan."

"Well I wouldn't eat it, but don't let that put you off."

'Hey, pal... do you have a wine that tastes like beer?'

"Anything but milk and cookies."

"The wine has subtle hints of expensive pretension, but it's balanced nicely by the screw cap."

Restaurant. One thing you can still get for a single dollar is the waiter's opinion of you.

"How's the salmon?"

'The food is great, but it's embarrassing the way she always insists on burping you.'

"The chef recommends the tilapia. However, I really like the vodka."

"In our house the four major food groups are Bordeaux, Merlot, Chardonnay and Champagne."

"Waiter, this is the worst meal I've ever tasted. And believe me, I've eaten some crap!"