Prison Consultant Pillows

'I've developed a variation of Linkedin. It's Lockedup.'

"The boss likes people with strong convictions. You're hired."

'It must be a problem of interpretation. I've read this book DOZENS of times, and I keep winding up here!'

"I used to be your old school teacher, I always said you would amount to nothing."

"I don't have my law degree yet but I've got an internship down in cell block 'D'."

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'We're looking for somebody to work on our new top secret project. Can you tell me what kind of experience you have?'

Do you have a phone with recording capabilities? I want to be able to carry a wire when I meet with my boss.

"Constant vigilance, regular trimming."

'How do we know the NSA hasn't hacked your naughty list?'

"I've dabbled in espionage, but my main area of expertise is self-sabotage."

"We've been cancelled."

Bank notes coming out of a safe.

"I was forced into early retirement. Is that even legal?"

"The industry has agreed to take the pensions dashboard off our hands. . ."

"The pension crisis prompted me to consider alternative invstments. Like Roulette."

'Don't give me that junk! — We spies don't either have to stick together!'

'Mr Bluebeard is our safety officer.'

'I'm glad you're making friends, Darrel.'

MI5 Press Office

"I found out the hard way what a short hop it is from 'Seize the Day' to 'Seize the Money!'"

Liberte, Egalite, Fraternite, Surveillance.

"Welcome to your new home Sire. There isn't an enemy in the land that will penetrate these three foot thick stone walls."

No, you were supposed to check the doorbell camera before lowering the drawbridge.

"Do screen doors just keep insects out, or other things too?"

Car robbers foiled by mousetraps surrounding a car.

A new case, Ernie...On a lark, two young girls broke into a museum and stole a half-dozen Peter Breugel paintings of Hades. Chicks nick six styx pics for kicks!

Privacy Stops Where the Parking Lot Begins

'Our crime figures are down!'

After a Lot of Hype, Russian Interference Turns Out Not to Amount to Much

'This is how our new no-risk pension scheme works.'

"I found a partial thumbprint. Let's get the heck out of here"

"It used to be that if you worried about unseen forces you were considered paranoid. Now you're a security expert."

'What do I do for a living?? Isn't it obvious?'

"I just installed a home security monitor."