Primary Participant Pillows

Donald Trump

'Look behind you. . . Just kidding.'

Tonight: Town Hall Meeting. With free speech, sometimes I think that you get what you pay for!

It was a good chance to get together and talk shop.

'Yes, that person there...'

'Life can be tough, Peel.' - 'Yes.' - 'But you have to stay positive.' - 'Yes' - 'You have to keep telling yourself, 'This loser is funding my holiday to Hawaii.' - 'Yes.'

'Yo, Danny! The pitcher's complaining about the crowd noise. Turn it down!'

Life can be beautiful, Al. But for you, the fly in the ointment is your self-loathing. So, my question to you is, what's the fly doing in the ointment? The backstroke!

Open Mike Night Presents the Comedy Stylings of Rudy Park. Did you hear about the iPhone that hired the best wedding planner in the country because it wanted a great reception? Clap. And then there was the autocorrect programmer who got rejected when he asked a lady out on a debate. The romance didn't last long when the cable tv box found out how spacey the satellite tv box was. Get off the stage! The one who invented binary code was a real zero. Boo. Hiss. I don't even get that one, and I'm gla

My dad's doing flowers for a huge sweet 16 party. Everyone's invited except me! Who cares? It's probably some loser who couldn't get anyone to come over without going over the top. Thanks, Em! You know what's important. Plus! We'll figure out whose party it is and crash it! You're my spiritual guide.

"Quiet? I'd even read for the understudy part for someone who is between engagements."

'Jason and the Argosnaughts.'

Al Baldasaro

"I am in a buying mood, but I still can't afford to buy anything."

"...Apparently we're responsible for snow removal on that stretch of highway we adopted."

'Lower.No,lower. A way lower. - Under the arms.Under the arms! Around his chest! OK listen...- Do you want to learn the Heimlich manoeuvre or not?!!!'

Hillary Clinton

Voter Rights

'I'm fed up with being told we're all too dim to manage any but the simplest of voting systems.'

"Our new MP promised a new politics, no more sleaze...a focus on local issues, on local needs. He said he wanted to be an old fashioned constituency MP."

Alcoholics Eponymous

Government surveillance has got me worried. What if it turns out Uncle Sam is collecting millions of phone records? But not mine. What if millions are under surveillance, but not me? How fair is that? Medical surveillance might be appropriate.

"AIDS awareness...immigration...voter registration..tackling dropout rates... We can make this country better if we all commit to getting active!"

"It's NBC. They want to know what it's personally worth to us for them to keep 'E.R.' on the air."

"Sh-h-h. It's a birthday card for Liechtenstein. Sign it and pass it on."

Hamlet on interactive TV.

'For a chance to win back your wallet, visit my website and complete the online survey.'

"Hi, I’m David and I’m here because I like to introduce myself to other people."

'They're just feelings. You don't have to act on them. There's no reason to have stage fright.'

'Welcome to sex addicts anonymous. It appears that we are missing a chair so who would like me to sit on their lap?'

Begging for Upvotes

Cats on social media

Sorry you are not a winner please try again

"I'm skipping 'Happy Hour,' Carl—it's Friday night—zen tennis clinic at the shul."

"I knew we shouldn't have let Health and Safety run the self defence course!"