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'Stopped a shoplifter today. Caught him red-handed.'

'When are you going to admit you need glasses?'

'In its new 'spirit of evenhandedness,' the U. S. Government today sent troops to occupy all foreign countries....'

Cow talking to dog: 'What...You eat your own...?!'

Trappist Monk Discord

'If he could trace the matching sock I've another 25 or 30 to account for.'

"Why the gumboots? Well, I can't stand slimy things touching my feet..."

"Nous somme desir-eh, go, er, allez, erm, universitaire français, s'il vous plait."

'What does it say, Dad?'

Overshadowed by the Tony's: Broadway's Lesser Known Awards

HELLth Food Sprouts

'No, I didn't know it was hunting season - why do you ask?'

Armed dogs wait for hot dog vendor.

'In today's market hyperbole was up sharply. Similes and metaphors held relatively steady with euphemisms hitting another record low.'

"...in other news: Google has been admitted to the United Stations..."

'Staffers don't report we're managing decline. They report we met our targets and did out job!'

'Not only do we have no natural enemies we have no natural friends.'

"If you get married at the Grammy Awards, can your marriage be annulled at the Country Music Awards?"

The Frankenstein snowman.

"Actually, you do have a racist bone in your body."

Clone Factory

Man on left - 'What do you call a public servant who spends half their time doing private work?' Man on right - 'An MP?'

Tasty.

'I didn't know it was a one-trip salad bar!'

"Oh, just the usual here, occupying Wall Street."

"I hope he's wearing pants."

'In my opinion, hold out for a doctor.'

Snorkeling: A Dollar A Minute

'So far, all I can tell you for sure is how much I've charged you.'

"Inactivists"

"The usual."