Prenatal Healthcare Visit Pillows

'It's a boy. He's healthy and coming along fine, but he may be a little crnkt at birth owing to his claustrophobia. He will have feminine tendencies but is not actually gay. In fact, he'll eventually develop a taste for hard liquor and trashy women...'

"There's your son's heartbeat, and over here is the app he's developing."

'I'm going to refer you to a specialist in that yucky feeling.'

No kicking: 12-6 Mon-Sun

"Boy, do we hate to see this... I'm afraid your child's entire body is an 'innie'."

'Sorry the doctor is running behind. You can keep today's appointment or I can fit you in tomorrow...whichever comes first.'

"I'll tell you my diagnosis if you promise not to laugh."

'Here's one I made earlier!'

"All this stuff? I'm meeting for two now."

Birthing Ball

'You're eating too much roughage.'

"I gained 10 pounds? I've brought my own bathroom scale for a second opinion."

"We can determine your child's gender, IQ and student debt load."

'I recommend a second opinion so the HMO won't second guess me.'

'How far along are you?'

At the modern antenatal class.

"Actually that's not the cause of your persistent headaches."

"Please note nurse: healthy baby, next appointment in two weeks..."

'Well, it all started with a group hug.'

'I'm worried about my brother, doctor!'

Ultrasound. . . AKA: Womb Zoom

'Panic over...it's not mumps just high blood pressure.'

'As I said, the medication won't cure you, but it will make you more comfortable for the duration.'

Taking blood pressure

"I'm going to take your blood pressure, so try to relax and not think about what a high reading might mean for your chances of living a long, healthy life."

'Another common mistake is to forget to take off the dirty nappy before putting the clean one on.'

Outingpatient

Contraction Tipping Competition

'I'm pretty sure that you have something that is difficult to pronounce.'

GPs to be required to offer appointments in advance.

"I'm diagnosing a conflict of interest . . . your body knows how old you are, but your mind refuses to believe it."

'He's looking for a doctor that hugs.'