Prenatal Healthcare Visit Pillows

'It's a boy. He's healthy and coming along fine, but he may be a little crnkt at birth owing to his claustrophobia. He will have feminine tendencies but is not actually gay. In fact, he'll eventually develop a taste for hard liquor and trashy women...'

"There's your son's heartbeat, and over here is the app he's developing."

'I'm going to refer you to a specialist in that yucky feeling.'

"Boy, do we hate to see this... I'm afraid your child's entire body is an 'innie'."

No kicking: 12-6 Mon-Sun

So … you do a lot of yoga?

'The good news is that you don't have mad cow's disease. The bad news is you are lactose intolerant.'

'Sorry the doctor is running behind. You can keep today's appointment or I can fit you in tomorrow...whichever comes first.'

"I'll tell you my diagnosis if you promise not to laugh."

Birthing Ball

"All this stuff? I'm meeting for two now."

'Here's one I made earlier!'

"I gained 10 pounds? I've brought my own bathroom scale for a second opinion."

'You're eating too much roughage.'

"We can determine your child's gender, IQ and student debt load."

'I recommend a second opinion so the HMO won't second guess me.'

'How far along are you?'

"Please note nurse: healthy baby, next appointment in two weeks..."

"Actually that's not the cause of your persistent headaches."

At the modern antenatal class.

'Well, it all started with a group hug.'

Ultrasound. . . AKA: Womb Zoom

Taking blood pressure

'Panic over...it's not mumps just high blood pressure.'

'I'm worried about my brother, doctor!'

'As I said, the medication won't cure you, but it will make you more comfortable for the duration.'

"I'm going to take your blood pressure, so try to relax and not think about what a high reading might mean for your chances of living a long, healthy life."

'Another common mistake is to forget to take off the dirty nappy before putting the clean one on.'

Outingpatient

Lamaze. I'm sorry, no, we' don't offer any "Gifted Fetus" programs.

"Which one is yours?"

Contraction Tipping Competition

'I'm pretty sure that you have something that is difficult to pronounce.'

GPs to be required to offer appointments in advance.

"I'm diagnosing a conflict of interest . . . your body knows how old you are, but your mind refuses to believe it."