Politically-minded Uncle Gifts

"Nixon was the same way when he first got here."

How Nature Senses a Change in the Weather

'There's old Jim off to the shops. Slowed down a lot these days, ain't he.'

'The economy being what it is, we've had to make a few changes in your retirement plan. . .'

'Save us!'

Dog traps the postman.

Four bites a second is about as fast as anyone can chew.

"A gentleman would offer his seat."

Conservative Leadership Renounces Protectionism

"Hang on - I'm not as young as I used to be. . .!"

'You're so nice and friendly that I've got nothing to moan about. That's a bit of cheek!'

War Heros Variety Night (playing a tune on his medals).

"Edgar's very politically engaged ever since he began using his vote as an anger management tool."

You need a new reading light

"Let's try one with your hand tucked into your shirt."

"Surely, as the world's only superpower, we're entitled to a little mischief now and then."

Pianist.

Mobile Phones

President Grant's Civil Service Reform is not to the Taste of Either Party, despite Professed Enthusiasm

'I'd say that was just the thing to wear on a visit to an 80-year old uncle in Texas who's going to leave you five million dollars.'

The Good News about Michael Bloomberg Is That He Won't Bug You

With Jury Duty for All

I'm beginning to regret the hearing aids.

'Secretary Fish and General Grant Amused at the English Outcry over the Alabama Claims'

"Russia's always bigger than you think."

"No sense of smell, ears plugged and eyes fixed on their phones. I'm telling you, if I weren't domesticated I'd be all over that."

Lesser Known Historical Figures: The Steno at the First Thanksgiving Dinner.

'I didn't spend $49.95 on this answering machine to have you just hang up so leave a message!'

'I realize it's not much of a war, but it's all we can afford right now.'

Trump White House Word Search

Nobody has a monopoly on questionable judgment.

'My 70th...hmmm.. that's shelter, food and sex out of the way. I guess it's time to move on to life's next challenge; mastery over my environment.'

"I rise in opposition to this bill..."

Time moves so fast when you're older. No, it moves more slowly. No, it moves fast. You remember things that happened ten years ago as if they happened yesterday. No, it moves slowly. Every day is a tedious, endless moebius strip of boredom, punctuated only by the occasional argument. You win. This talk feels like it's going on forever. I feel like I've been winning for a million years.

"Impeach?! We can't impeach!" said Nancy. And so the wicked king stayed on and on and on. The end.