Policyholder Comedy Pillows

"Insurance company kept their side of the bargain."

"With an average vote of 3.5 stars, the legislation is passed."

"Pendleton will stay afloat no matter what!"

'...And you're always complaining about the government's international trade agreements'

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

'You can't cash your paychecks until your 6 month probation is satisfactorily over.'

"Honey, my boss moved me upstairs – way upstairs!"

Ted Cruz announced he's running for president. He's not going to win. He was the first to announce. No first-announcer has won since 1952. Besides, his name's too similar to Tom Cruise. And Tom Cruise is so not in right now. HOJ. We should have our own political show. If I an do it shirtless, I'm in.

'I just had the greatest idea! -- Let's deregulate ourselves!'

"He can't tell his left from his right."

"Mrs. Oliphant, what is the company policy on our company policy?"

"Russia is run by rich oligarchs. America is run by rich insurance companies."

Trump's firings

The Slumber Party.

Gary Johnson

The Big Nothing

Now THAT was a speech with something for everybody!

BYOD issues were an even bigger problem in the 1950s.

"I have good news if you have insurance. Bad news, if you don't."

"I'm not a rule breaker, but the no eye blinking is going to be a tough one."

'Wait a minute! How do I know this won't add to the budget deficit?'

2019 Debate: "I'd like to begin by calling my opponent a babbling idiot!"

Saturn wearing a NRA hat and eating his own child

'You've got to do something about your chocolate addition.'

Nevada Poll Worker: I saw rampant voter fraud.

"Even in the virtual world I haven't made partner."

"The gravy train at platform 2 will be calling at all stations to Westminster."

'Once more unto the breach...'

And the pig stood up and slowly walked away...

"By the way, your insurance doesn't cover these tests...JUST KIDDING! That was the stress test."

'Stay away from Birkmayer. He's developed a dumbing down spray.'

Bolton Muzzled

"Can a ten year old really declare his room a self-proclaimed state?"

"We have a new policy document on 'Christmas Cards' to ensure that we don't send or display ay that may offend or alienate clients or staff with different belief systems..."

The World According To Chump45