Playgroup Storyteller Pillows

Mums at play group.

'I didn't do my homework because I forgot my user name and password.'

'I'll give your note to my parents but our family policy is to never negotiate with terrorists.'

Sign: 'Welcome to Fernbanks. Beneath our quaint Norman Rockwell-ish exterior beats a big-box chain store heart, ready to sell out at the drop of a hat.'

'A dog ate my homework.'

"I thought your show-and-tell was really brave."

Daughters at Bedtime

Alice Through the Looking Glass - 'Tickets Please!'

"Fellow graduates, when I look at you, I see future princesses, ninjas, wizards, superheroes, and zombies."

Sailor boy

"Which should we go see: the straight romantic comedy where the heroine's best friend is a gay man, or the gay romantic comedy where the hero's best friend is a straight woman?"

'I've got to go, Mom -- my playgroup called an emergency meeting.'

"Coming soon...what I did over summer vacation...the podcast!"

"You'll have to excuse my date. He spontaneously combusts from time to time."

'A 'pregnant pause' is effective only if you've already said something.'

Parenting Skills Training

'My bed time story sounds a lot like your blog.'

"It's by A.I. Milne."

Noah's Nark.

" 'And so the crack-whore princess and her pimp lived happily ever after. The end.' O.K., that's it. Lights out."

John James Heidegger, masquerade impresario, and Italian opera singers

Old woman who lives in a shoe with sick children.

''Open Sesame' would make a great password, wouldn't it?'

"Other than being sent to the principal's office, my detention, and three day suspension, school was good."

'I don't care if you are just 2 years old, people don't have time to read your life story.'

"Actually, I don't know anybody here. I was just passing the house when I heard all the fun."

"In a minor role, but giving a highly charged performance. . ."

'You might not know it now but I used to have some great lesson plans.'

Wolf snacks vending machine: 3 Little Pigs, Little Red Riding Hood, Goldilocks.

'Dad, the teacher said my grades remind her of old times. She says she was your teacher too.'

"Congratulations on opening night."

'Wait a minute...You're the enchanted unicorn?'

How to murder birds