Planet Shopper Gifts

'I'd say this planet is uninhabited.'

Sale on the same stuff as last week.

Nature versus commerce.

But is it organic?

'She's so put together!'

"I think I've found the most comfy jeans."

"Sorry sir - the self-propelling pencils have all just walked out..."

'This is too small. Get me a 12...How many times?! I'm a 10 or a 12 on top and a 12 or 14 on the bottom depending on the shop, the cut of the fabric, the ambient air temperature, and the rotation of Pluto...and we always try the 10 first capiche?'

'These fit just right. Do you have anything too tight?'

"Are you looking to accentuate or camouflage?"

'They've certainly got designs on your purse!'

"Amazing! It's the season of me!"

"Everything's gone up."

"I love finding my food at the Farmers Market. Makes me feel like a true pioneer."

"Perhaps a cozy scarf to go with the hat?"

'She's on the trail of a pair of Jimmy Choo's.'

We Never Look at Prices Shop.

Supermarket Aisles: 'Good for the Environment' and 'Couldn't give a flying F@$#! about the environment!'

"I often think of the 'Hereafter'. When I'm shopping I'm always asking myself 'What am I here after?'"

'I went to see a personal shopper this afternoon. . . I thought I'd surprise you!'

Fashion Mistake.

Man on Stilts in a Market

'Do you have any relaxed fit jeans that aren't quite so relaxed?'

'Yes, the wood on this pencil is from a renewable source.'

'We'll take it. Come along Rex.'

"I'm looking for something that the recipient will be too embarrassed to regift."

The Old Curiosity Shop

"You went to Barneys without me? You slut!"

"I can't believe I spent seven million dollars on tights."

"Where are the perineums?" "Aisle 3. Between the vaginas and the rectums."

'And don't forget the eggs dear'

Guilty Pleasures

"I have to confess a sin, Preacher. I went premarital shopping."

Self Magazine,

Our grocery carts are genetically modified.