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'Just to make it crystal clear, I AM holier than thou.'

'Before we begin, let's say a little prayer for humility.'

"Mrs. Marsha Mullhouse, of Kenosha, Wisconsin, asks, "Are You subject to the laws of physics, or are the laws of physics subject to You?"

'He's the best sheepdog I ever had.'

'I made a hundred on the Spanish test. Gracias.'

'Eve wants a second opinion about the apples.'

'Please take your receipt!'

"Lord, thank you for guiding me through the whole 'evolution by natural selection' thing."

'Our top theologians have studied the issue, Your Majesty, and they agree that you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.'

'When you invented vegetables, Sir, did you know that my mother would be able to fit them all into one garden?'

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The Vatican's undercover mission to Antarctica, and some endangered penguins.

'Are you sure we should do all this praying on Sunday? -- I thought it was God's day off.'

"I'm starting to prefer the ones who don't believe in me."

'Just one God? - But won't he be outnumbered?'

'...and please God, protect the social security fund for another sixty years.'

'Confusionism'

"How long has he been missing?"

God answers what He thought were worldwide prayers for peas.

Jesus wept

'What did He do before he was God?'

Why not get God's fax number, and just fax him my prayer?

"And please let Alan Greenspan accept the things he cannot change, give him the courage to change the things he can and the wisdom to know the difference."

"NO I DON'T THINK YOU NEED LEGAL REPRESENTATION WHEN SAYING YOUR PRAYERS."

'We have a strict dress code. Can't let you in without a straightjacket and tie.'

Soren Kierkegaard

"He keeps watching over our flock. I think it's a stalker."

Various Birds of Pray.

"I'll have whatever they're having."

'His version of sin is different from the press account.'

Regular Confession and Express Booth.

"I do hope you're here for the circumcision."