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Zen and the Art of Portfolio Maintenance

'Stocks are yin, bonds are yang. But I could be totally wrong. Maybe bonds are yin, stocks are yang.'

'Whoever said 'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself' never had a room full of angry shareholders.'

"We need to reset our fiscal compass to the changing business horizon."

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

'I don't know if money grows on trees, son. I know it doesn't grow in fields.'

"Gas. Regular. Premium. Super. You don’t want to know."

Economic Outlook Conference - 'Remember the seating is optimist, pessimist, optimist,...'

'It's crunch time, Caldwell. That's the time between when you're born, and when you make your first million.'

"I've finally found a therapist who understands options."

'So, gentlemen, how's the dollar trading against the immortal soul, today?'

Flat tax - equal burden?

Bernard Madhoff $50-billion Ponzi financial scheme.

Stockbroker and Psychotherapist: Money won't make you happy and therapy won't make you rich.

"Yes, I am interested in taking a fresh look at my holdings."

"I was a stockbroker first, but when I realized how much time I spent praying, I figured, what the heck?"

Economic Downturns

'So, a bailout is like a Ponzi scheme for automakers?'

Money god

"Money is life's report card."

'I'm finally at one with the universe...but apparently that doesn't include the DOW.'

'I got a big refund on my income tax.'

Accountant Manqué

"Stocks edged lower on the news there's more to life than the accumulation of material things..."

"Lucky for you, you died during a bear market."

'You're my economic advisor. What'll I do?'

"I don't know whether to love you or leave you - but then that's the reality of arbitrage."

"No, I don't believe youth is wasted on the young. I believe money is."

"I hope you love me for my money, not for who I am."

Portfolio, 2014 - For a richer enjoyment, allow to age.

"To mediate properly, you need a mantra. How about 'Ka-Ching'?"

'We do spend a lot and tax a lot, but it's the price you pay for living in a money-based economy.'

'If congress regulates obscene bonuses, isn't that a violation of the first amendment?'

'I'm a 100% consistent investor. I buy bonds when I should buy stocks when I should buy bonds.'

'Come back in two months the meaning of life can change, depending if the market is bullish or bearish.'