Pet Consultant Pillows

"You're the on who said we couldn't afford to send him to obedience classes!"

"Tell me about this fear of couches."

"... and I have a follow-up question regarding rawhide."

"See? I told you changing his food would be traumatizing."

Licensed Therapist

"Sometimes ... I just want to run away."

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

"Watch out, Simone's hangry - her stomach AND her throat are growling."

"You understand that they call you 'good boy' because they can't remember your name, right? They never forget my name, they care about me..."

"Is that true, Charles? You leave your crap all over the house?"

"Cloning is an imperfect science."

"We value your input, but all your suggestions involve more play-time, naps and treats."

Cats are under tremendous peer pressure to remain useless.

Codepetdency Counseling: "He won't even sit on my lap anymore."

"I don’t know how many ways I can explain it. One morning you’ll just wake up and know that you’re in love."

"I have special needs-- good food, warm bed, fresh water, and plenty of room to pop wheelies!"

"The first step is admitting you're a dog."

"I see so much love reflected back in his adorable little face."

But it's the other leg that hurts.

"Meow."

"It's nice to be wanted."

"Behold the secret to happiness."

"I see you, I see a vet, you're sore for weeks afterwards."

"Would you mind moving to your doggy bed? I'd like to sit in my chair. I know you can hear me. Your book is upside down."

"He never sniffs my butt anymore."

'I've just realised where we went wrong.'

SPCA: USED CATS AND DOGS

"I need a hip replacement but I believe they're looking at a dog replacement."

Taking goldfish for a walk.

"Mi chiamano Mimi, il perche non so. Sola, mi fo il pranzo da me stessa."

'I thought this was a documentary about animal cruelty.'

So You Finally Caught Your Tail

"Actually I never loved you."

"Have you got one that's a bit more pessimistic?"