Pediatric Care Pillows

'We've found that ten c.c.'s of milkshake does wonders.'

"Chocolate? I can't be allergic to chocolate! I'm a kid, can't you say I'm allergic to spinach or broccoli?"

"Do you want to pretend to be a doctor and I'll pretend to be a hotshot civil litigation attorney who sues you till your ears bleed?"

"Did I hear the dog in here?"

"I see that he is growing as fast as your law firm."

"Okay, now breathe another sigh of relief."

Mum and baby both have pacifier.

'Sometimes I worry that I basically wasted my 2's.'

'Why don't they make thumb-flavored baby food?'

"They grow up so fast."

Madonna of the Pukes.

"Unfortunately, once the child contracts Pokémon, he lives with it forever."

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

Cry babies.

'Well, it's your fault for wearing my slippers.'

"I’ve tried to make this as painless as possible ... clearly I’ve failed."

Mozart's First Movement - Baby Mozart is sitting on the potty.

The cell phone soother for life.

'Don't worry. It's never too hot or never too cold.'

"Unfortunately, your son swallowed a great deal of industrial adhesive. But don't worry: Epoxy can be cured."

"I only travelled with my umbilical cord!"

A midwife holding a baby

Pool attached to child's bed.

"Oh, I like coming to the dentists. It's the only place where people actually ask me to spit!"

'You call it a bra. I call it excess packaging.'

'The child is very illogical'

Children disturbing a heart rate reading.

'They don't understand goo-goo-gah-gah. Dumb it down to WHAAAAAH!'

'You gotta learn to talk, Jeffrey -- it's part of the aging process.'

"The first one's just a warning."

Gifts for a cloned baby!

Pumpkin patch

The tooth fairy.

Pinocchio's nose used by cat as a scratching post

"He's not talking yet, but sometimes we give him peanut butter to make it look like he is."