Pediatric Care Pillows

'We've found that ten c.c.'s of milkshake does wonders.'

"Chocolate? I can't be allergic to chocolate! I'm a kid, can't you say I'm allergic to spinach or broccoli?"

"Did I hear the dog in here?"

"I see that he is growing as fast as your law firm."

"Okay, now breathe another sigh of relief."

'Sometimes I worry that I basically wasted my 2's.'

Mum and baby both have pacifier.

'Why don't they make thumb-flavored baby food?'

Madonna of the Pukes.

"Unfortunately, once the child contracts Pokémon, he lives with it forever."

"They grow up so fast."

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

Cry babies.

'Well, it's your fault for wearing my slippers.'

Mozart's First Movement - Baby Mozart is sitting on the potty.

"I’ve tried to make this as painless as possible ... clearly I’ve failed."

The cell phone soother for life.

'Don't worry. It's never too hot or never too cold.'

A midwife holding a baby

Pool attached to child's bed.

"Unfortunately, your son swallowed a great deal of industrial adhesive. But don't worry: Epoxy can be cured."

"I only travelled with my umbilical cord!"

"Oh, I like coming to the dentists. It's the only place where people actually ask me to spit!"

'You call it a bra. I call it excess packaging.'

'The child is very illogical'

Children disturbing a heart rate reading.

'They don't understand goo-goo-gah-gah. Dumb it down to WHAAAAAH!'

'You gotta learn to talk, Jeffrey -- it's part of the aging process.'

The tooth fairy.

"He's not talking yet, but sometimes we give him peanut butter to make it look like he is."

Pumpkin patch

Gifts for a cloned baby!

"Congratulations, it's a lifetime of penury and countless sleepless nights!"

"The first one's just a warning."