Pedant Pillows

"No, I mean literally literally!"

Alternative collective animal names

"Actually, not all roses are red. Sometimes they're white as well as numerous other colours. Also I think you'll find that violets are sort of purple..."

"Technically, it's a mammal."

Licensed Therapist

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

"Will you be taking these home or chewing them right here?"

"Watch out, Simone's hangry - her stomach AND her throat are growling."

Cats = Zen, Dogs = Men

"You understand that they call you 'good boy' because they can't remember your name, right? They never forget my name, they care about me..."

"Is that true, Charles? You leave your crap all over the house?"

"I think you'll find the pen is writier than the sword."

"The painting and pillows were his idea. The scratches were mine."

Dog Obedience School: 'I think we're going to have our work cut out with this one.'

Determined not to make a fool of himself Mitch keeps practicing every dance move for the Annual Office Christmas Party!

"The first step is admitting you're a dog."

"It's a recipe called no-cook fish chowder."

Shepherd, Herder, Hunter, Thinker.

"Who do you like in the super bowl?"

"Meow."

"I'm pleased that you have finally come home, I can't get the parrot back into its cage."

"I see you, I see a vet, you're sore for weeks afterwards."

'I've just realised where we went wrong.'

"I can't believe how much I love her. Just look at those sienna eyes and that adorable little nose. I honestly don't know how I'd survive without her." "He has food."

Welcome to pet obedience school. We're going to have fun and get these darlings into shape. Obey-Wan-Ken

"So tell me, Wallace. Has someone gobbled up my Viagra again?" "No. Wait. I thought they were delicious candy mints!"

"So tell me more about the dog sitter."

'I'm sure they don't think you're really a bad kitty...just a kitty that sometimes does bad things.'

"I need a hip replacement but I believe they're looking at a dog replacement."

"Would you mind moving to your doggy bed? I'd like to sit in my chair. I know you can hear me. Your book is upside down."

'A common problem - we all give them our undivided love and devotion.'

"Mi chiamano Mimi, il perche non so. Sola, mi fo il pranzo da me stessa."

'A vet!! Take Princess to a vet?'

"Actually I never loved you."

"I'm supposed to be loyal, relieve stress, be 'Man's best friend'...I don't need this kind of pressure!"