Peaceful Pet Owner Gifts

Cat pleads into mouse hole: 'Can't we talk about this?'

Zack Brillard and Live-In Companion

Dog Hunting Trophies.

'Table scraps, doggie-bag goodies, dropped hot dogs, the cat's dish of food and your master's slippers.'

'Super Dog'

'Next!'

'I thought this was a documentary about animal cruelty.'

The best relationships are silent.

Pet Pony

K9 Literati.

"Ok, Griffin — let him see Mom’s roast!"

"C'mon already...that lipstick really isn't my shade."

"You say you're flossing, but I'm scraping off a lot of tennis ball fuzz."

"It's just until he gets over his laryngitis."

Pet Owners' Date Night

'Good book?'

Dalmation with soccer ball: Soccer Hound.

"Actually, I would rather have a dog. It's just that we need the eggs."

A girl with a dog and balloons

-'Do you have a last wish senor?' -'Yeah, I'd like to pee on your leg.'

"Dangerous? Nah, I could count on one hand the number of times he's bitten me."

Fido phones

'I tried to teach him to shake, but he'd rather do 'high fives'.'

'Can't you just hand me a plastic worm?!'

'My cat is very unpredictable. I never know when he's going to ignore me.'

"Shouldn't hide treats in your back pocket with a dog that big."

Pet Dog.

'I know you got nine lives, but do you have to eat for all of them?'

'The animal psychiatrist said don't bother him with dog things- he doesn't know he's a dog!'

After You Die/After Your Dog Dies

An advantage of robotic pets.

'He's a very compassionate cat. He never kills any of the animals he catches.'

Uses of a Dead Cat in History: ...Because it's quiet and doesn't eat much.

"Can somebody. . . hello?. . . can somebody call the dog. . . hello? . . ."

'No wonder these are bland...they're toys!'