Peaceful Paradox Fan Pillows

'It threw him off when I turned the other cheek. So then I hit him.'

"I'd kill for a fresh fruit fritter."

"Drunk, yet orderly"

"This just in: one of us always tells lies; the other always tells the truth. Who's who? Stay tuned."

"This may surprise some of your viewers, but I didn't actually want to go into the box."

"Believe me when I tell you that I'm not that honest."

"The central digital platform is temporarily renamed Project Schrödinger’s Cat. Until it is accessed on the 24th February it both is and is not a working system."

'It began as The Great American Novel...but it finally sold as an infomercial.'

The Meaning of Life

'You're not fooling anybody but yourself.'

I've got a problem – with me. Counseling costs extra. I always hated BMW owners. But one day I woke up and realized I drive a Saab. People who vacation in the Hamptons give me hives, but I've got a summer spot in Santa Cruz. I protested against big corporate oil companies … wearing a North Face jacket and Nike high tops! Don't you realize what I've become? I'm an upwardly mobile hippy! Death to the huppy. Hates fancy coffee drinks, loves soy milk.

'Applicant wacked out, suggest immediate promotion.'

'The last thing he said was 'I'm going to go look up the work 'Dictionary' in the dictionary,' and then the universe kind of collapsed around him,'

Scuba Skater

"We have ways of making you say yes, but I want you to want to say yes."

Grenadiers

Right Against Right.

"Carl had the mouth of a truck driver... Sorry, Carl, I just can't make no sense from all those words comin’ out your pie hole. A truck driver with a Ph.D. in mathematical logic."

Letter to God

'Know what? I don't feel drafts anymore.'

Woman says treadmill reminds her of her life.

Senile Felines.

'Say that again and you're a dead man!'

'The doctor told me to get away for a while..Where I live, in the country, it's just too quiet for me, so I've come here for a vacation.'

The City that Never Sleeps.

National Paradox Foundation: We're closed come in.

Fastest slowest animal

'I know one never knows, but I don't know how one knows that.'

Palindrome Society Parking. The president of the palindrome society drives a Toyota. I thought it might be the Civic.

Crackpot watches while women catfight.

'Making these snacks low-fat was great because substituting sweetener for fat made them even more addictive.'

Lacking a basic understanding of plot and humour, Alan Turing was really confused when Temptation and Consciouence stood on the wrong shoulder.

'This is the only way to make him eat fruit...'

'I'm afraid you're a hypochondriac Mr Jenkins... but luckily we have a pill for that!'

Agnostic Prophecy.