Payroll Coordinator Pillows

'We've been trying to ease out Old Stoney as Payroll Coordinator.'

"Another week another dollar, Jenkins"

'Salaries Manager. No.'

"Would anyone like to question my downsizing proposal?"

I'm not making enough money to like you.

'How did the 'I want you all to take a pay cut or leave' strategy go down?'

"We offer a generous flex time policy - you can work your 90 hours per week any way you'd like."

"Why yes, there was an extra five thousand dollars in my pay check last week...er...I thought it was a raise."

Check zombies.

'Yes,we have equal pay in that we are grossly underpaid, all of us.'

"I never said they were well-compensated. I just said they were paid handsomely."

"You're in luck...I've unearthed those payroll records from 3 years ago."

'If he has a pulse, hire him!'

'Are you the genius who came up with the 'Alternative Payment' program?'

"Oh, as long as he needs you, Santa's a great guy. But once things slow down and he wants a little vacation time with Mrs. C., it's 'goodbye North Pole, hello crappy temp job!'"

Human Resources Dept: Full time/part time/over time/time and a half/time out.

'I've figured out a way to lower your income tax...give you less income.'

"Here's your paycheck. I hope we'll both find it amusing."

'I take it you're looking to some extra hours!'

'I had every intention of giving you your pay check, Ken, but the payroll computer has decided you don't deserve it.'

'You can't cash your paychecks until your 6 month probation is satisfactorily over.'

'My pay envelope is empty.' - 'Your deductions equal your salary'

Talkshow Scheduling Dept. I scheduled a guest how a book advocating a strong military position. You booked a hawk who's hawking a book!

Payroll Dept. My economic anxiety has less to do with the weak dollar than the week's dollars! (Published originally on March 14, 2008.)

A midwinter potluck! How lovely!! Let me check the calendar! Oh, too bad! Thwack! We already have something on that date!

'Thanks for not asking for a rise.'

'Oh, that's a deduction to pay for management perks.'

Bureau of Missing Persons, "He works flextime and we have direct deposit, so it took me a few months to notice he was gone."

'Nothing this week †between your pay and your deductions, you broke even.'

'Stare at it all you want sir, but I can assure you, no one is going to jump out and yell 'April Fools.'

PAYMASTER, 'Just to be on the safe side, we withheld EVERYTHING this week.'

'Let's see,,, You're answering prayers until 9:30,, Your Armageddon meeting's been pushed to 2:00 and it looks like your speaking engagement in Mrs, Ingersol's head is postponed 'til Thursday,'

'I don't know what to do about my check - grief or anger counseling.'

PAYMASTER, 'Just to be on the safe side, we withheld EVERYTHING this week.'

'They were two payroll cowboys riding together.'