Past-life Adventurer Pillows

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"Don't be embarrassed. Most heroic archetypes your age have lost the ability to swashbuckle."

"So then, after I'd invented my time machine, I thought: why not go back and visit the good old days?"

"It's true: no more burpees."

"Needs to get a life"

Hang on...I've got WINGS..!!!

"If you get to the pitchfork-shaped cloud, you've gone too far."

A surprise in heaven

"I do tech support for the cloud."

'Pre-existing conditions - What did YOU die of?'

"Is this what I want to be doing with my death?"

Saint Peter will sometimes put on a disguise just to play a prank on the new arrivals.

'Somehow an electronic fish finder just isn't as exciting as a 'Ben fish finder'.'

Halo Frisbee.

'The stage hypnotist was great, he regressed Jeff to a previous life, and discovered that he was a layabout then, too.'

"Finally, Miss Big-Shot calls her dead mother!"

"Hey, would you mind taking a quick sculpture of me and my family?"

Free ticket to heaven... details inside

"I told you to pack a damned sweater."

"I don't care if it's a boy or a girl, as long as it's undead."

"Your long-range investments would have made you a very wealthy man."

'You sloth and gluttony guys have it easy -- I'm here for envy!'

"Even if I did believe that he was communicating through you. I'm afraid it's too late to change the will now."

'He doesn't talk to me anymore.'

2pm meet your Creator

"1972: Kim and Doug invited us to their key party... Sounds groovy! 2017: We just got an evite from Kim and Doug to join them on an ayahuasca retreat in Peru... Tommy starts hockey and my father is about to die—no way."