Party Conversationalist T-Shirts

"I, too, want to preserve the environment, just as it is: acid rain, holes in the ozone layer, lots of crap in the air."

"You're Pentagon? That's a five sided square, isn't it?

"What it is is, life's a b**ch, a bowl of cherries, a treadmill, a rat race, a journey... a metaphor, that's what it is."

'Yak, yak, yak.'

"First, I sent a rocket of a drive down the fairway, then I took the 7-iron, put that ball on the green...a hundred and eighty yards if it was an inch..."

"I disagree — I think humans are funny."

"I like his earlier work better, particularly the ones I said I didn't like at the time."

Pet Shop - Parrot labeled as 'Good Listener'

"Oui, c'est bon. It is, how you Americans say, 'Magically Delicious'."

"Do you mind if I bounce something off you?"

Remember my mum? I took that photo a week before she died. There's one of me...that was a good haircut.

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

"Excuse me, Jerrod, but I'm leaving you for Paul's competing narrative."

Philosopher's pub with 24 hour thinking.

"Every single day, guys ask you for advice about women, work, sports... Haven't you ever even heard of the law of supply and demand?. . .I'd be glad to steer the downtrodden and the forlorn your way for a mere 82% of the man-to-man-talk fee."

"Frankly, I just want to talk about how great I am non-stop and uninterrupted for 50 minutes every week on a long term basis."

"I don't mind emotional trauma if I can turn it into a really funny anecdote."

Mobile Phones, "Now we are together we will proceed to the business of the day."

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

"Have you ever actually seen a chicken cross the road?"

Student: 'Is the medical marijuana thing a grass-roots movement?'

'It's funny - I'm a Bourbon, but I've always preferred Scotch.'

A lesson in wit

'He hacked it off because the women in his weekly painting group never stopped gassing!'

"It was a slow day - my pedometer says I only put in 1, 273, 426 steps."

'I've found taking a sip of another table's wine is an effective conversation starter.'

Person talks on phone as other blogs.

'Back in 1956 you were the youngest Briton to cover the Hungarian uprising. You are presently writing your memoirs in Sardinia. First question: how do you feel about the sorry state the London Underground is in?'

'Dang it! The gals out here leave little to a feller's imagination.'

'But enough about me...Let's talk about you!'

'The secret is to invite good talkers and good listeners and a good laugh track.'

'No idea. He's been there for as long as I can remember.'

Bla Bla Bla

'He was too chatty. I don't like small talk. Too much gibber, not enough jabber.'

'No talking' sign at a fishing site.